Debriefing: What Happened to My America?

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MISSION TIME: ZULU ZULU TANGO

Greetings fellow patriots.

The other day, as I was exercising my God-given right to walk the streets of my community, my blood froze. There before me I saw the most curious sight I’ve seen since that drugged out hippy Timothy Leary. Yes, friends, they were cameras. Mounted on poles at intersections with the intent of watching you.

Upon seeing the surveillance my training kicked in and I immediately used my God-given agility, honed by the American military, to quickly take cover behind some foliage while simultaneously drawing the firearm I always keep at my side (promised us by our Founding Fathers in the Constitution of the United States of America).

I did a quick reconnaissance of the area, secured my perimeter, and confident that there was no threat re-holstered my weapon. I again looked up at the surveillance cameras and wondered to myself about them.

On the one hand, I applauded the initiative required to ensure the public’s continued compliance with the law. Constantly monitoring the activity of revolutionaries, anarchists, and other un-American leftist organizations is something we only dreamed of in the turbulent days of the counter-culture. Limits on our ability to gather information meant that our prosecution of the war against the subversives took longer, and often required unwavering dedication and relentless hard work of good patriots in order to preserve our American society.  Back then, a computerized, round-the-clock, blanket surveillance system was the stuff of fantasy.

But then it dawned on me: these cameras could also be used for evil by those same communist sympathizers as a means of preventing true Americans, like you and me, from carrying out our duty. Suddenly remembering that we have a socialist president, that realization sent a chill down my spine.

This is not the America I knew and loved. That was an America where a bright, ambitious young attorney could plot to kidnap anti-war protesters, take them to Mexico bound and gagged, and leave them there to rot -- or die (which ever came first).

This was now a mendacious America of the weak.  An America of Sam Ervin, Woodward and Bernstein, and that treacherous swine, John Dean. An America of filthy weasels and sniveling snitches that keep their eyes and cameras watching us. Instead of patriotic Americans using this new technology to protect ourselves from leftist insurgents and intellectual agitators, those same enemies could now compile intel on us. Much the way the Weathermen and the Black Panthers began to develop their own espionage organizations in the 70’s to try and infiltrate our police and government security agencies, it seems our new socialist government is looking for a new way to monitor us. Recording and keeping files on true Americans, lying about us and following us and asking about us … and ratting us out, turning on us when we least expect it.

This environment where one is constantly under threat of being betrayed by an informant reminds me of my time in prison. On one occasion an inmate was suspected of snitching on one of my comrades. In order to ascertain the veracity of this suspicion, I recruited a few trustworthy Cuban-born accomplices and devised a careful plan to expose the truth, which I called Operation Veritas. The plan was for my companions to enact an elaborate mock-fracas involving pro- and anti-Castro demonstrators combined with copious shouting and a small but vigorous melee to occupy the attention of the guards while I then isolated the suspected rat in the laundry, behind a large container filled with soiled linen. Once my position was secure, I would interrogate the suspect with a series of cross-referenced questions and strategically placed kicks to the balls. The operation was a complete success, and the suspected snitch admitted his guilt. I just wish that guy was Dean.

My razor-sharp insight tells me I am on to something larger and more sinister than I ever suspected; but much as I had to first put Operation Veritas into action before dealing with the snitch, I must ferret out the facts. Nonetheless, the clues are already there. Do you think it a coincidence that these cameras are around at the same time a muslim in Christian's clothing is president and that pinko Jerry Brown is once again the Governor of California?

I think not!

Yours, ever vigilant in God’s sight.

G

Kruschev's Korner: Goal!

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Dobro Yutro, Comrades!

Many of my American friends maybe not knowing that is currently playing in South Africa the World Cup of football. World Cup is big international tournament and world celebration more important for all people than Olympics.  All world are stop work and put attention on football pitch to watch people's game. Poor Americans not understand this, and even make mistake and call game soccer instead of football, because American have own game called "football."  But Americanski football is not actual football.  How can be?  Is played with hands and never use feet on ball!  Is should be called handball.

But in FIFA World Cup tournament yesterday was exciting match featuring corporate sponsored Brazil playing stalwart socialist representatives of Democratic People's Republic of Korea.  Many in world are thinking Brazil is the most impressive football team, but really are typical capitalist stooges - mercenaries who play for money and always showing off.  But DPRK is solid and courageous team made from proud socialist men who play for strength and pride.

Game was perfect example of eternal struggle of people against oppression.  Brazilian are make constant attacking but brave DPRK defense is powerful like unpenetrable wall protecting against western decadence.  Eventually, corrupt match referee conspire with degenerate and greedy FIFA officials to give Brazil advantage to win.  But even though final score is 2:1, DPRK are true winners by show socialism is defender of all people in world.

Compare fearless DPRK with pitiful USA attempt.  Americans show how decadent lifestyle of debauchery and hedonism make for soft and weak team.  Americanski players are confused, and only by laughable and cowardly mistake by imperialist British goalkeeper can save USA from crushing embarassment of exposing crumbling capitalist system.

Also typical of capitalisti, Americans know is impossible to win World Cup and so must use puppets like Brazil or Germany.  Brave socialist warriors of DPRK are stand alone and face entire world.

And sad that Americans are not seeing entire world celebration because of narrow mind and arrogance in sport. Maybe if vain Americans try and learn more about international peoples it would help stop militaristic American imperialst war machine, for to make better peace in world. 

до свидания до следующего времени, капиталистов!

The Chosen People

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My fellow Americans,

In what can only be labeled a cowardly attempt to kick me when I am unable to defend myself, the Democrats yesterday started squealing like a stuck pig alleging that I am an anti-semite because of a memo written by Fred Malek, a low-level lackey in my administration.

Let me be perfectly clear about this.  The American people deserve to know whether their president was an anti-semite.  Well,  I am not an anti-semite.  If I were, would I have had Henry Kissinger as my second in command - someone in whom I had the ultimate confidence, trust, and respect?  And let's face it, Henry's about as Jew as one could be.  He's what the Hebrews would call a real "Mensch" (which I think means either stand-up fellow or shrewd negotiator).  Heck, Henry is more a Jew than most rabbis out there.  And he's not the only Jew I knew.  Golda Meir was a friend of mine, and I had the distinct pleasure of being embraced by no less a Jew than Sammy Davis Jr.

Are these the pictures of an anti-semite?

The Democrats are basing their preposterous accusations on a few recently released memos attributed to this Malek guy.  Among them are one in which he supplied a list of people who he described as "ethnic" with "Jewish sounding names" for removal from their positions from the Bureau of Labor Statistics.  Malek's role, overseen by Bob Haldeman, was to identify those within the Bureau who were pinko sympathizers, agitators, or otherwise hostile to the efforts of my administration.  Naturally, we wanted these men out.  But not because they were Jewish.  It was because they consistently misrepresented economic statistics with the sole intent of undermining my credibility and authority.  It's simply a matter of coincidence that these people were also Hebrews. Jew or not, I wanted men who were loyal.  And, in my experience, I have found that, overall, Jews can be among the most loyal people around.  I think it's something their mothers instilled in them (you know how big a role mothers play for Jews), and along with an instinctive understanding of calculating interest, this extreme loyalty is something in which those people can take justifiable pride.

Also, consider this: the individuals specified by Malek were accountants, economists, statisticians, and other financially-related professionals.  Do you honestly think that I could have ever replaced them with non-Jews?  So again, tell me, how on earth could I be a anti-semite if I replace a pinko Jew with a true patriotic, loyal Jew?  If anything, those who claim that republican Jews are less Jewish than democratic Jews sound like the true anti-semites here.

But none of this fools me.  Defamation and character assassination is the Nixon way, and I can smell a smear campaign from a mile away.  This whole thing is just a cheap hustle by the Democrats trying to use alleged anti-semitism to slander the republican candidates in the upcoming mid-term election. But once again, the democrats prove that they're pikers when it comes to dirty-campaigning.  Do they really think the Orthogonians would be sympathetic toward a pack of whiney, subversive, pointy-headed, intellectual Jews in the government?  What the democrats don't understand (or, what they simply refuse to acknowledge) is that while the rich folks may hate the poor folks, the catholics may hate the protestants, and the hindus may hate the mohammedans, everybody hates the Jews.

Nixon Disapproves

Land of the Lost

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My fellow Americans,

I’d like to take this moment to talk to you about an incident involving president Obama and the Democratic party that you may have missed.

It seems that the Obama administration sent Bill Clinton over to Pennsylvania to bribe Rep. Joe Sestak with an unnamed position in the administration if he would only give up his challenge to Sen. Arlen Specter for the senate nomination.  The reason is clear: the democrats obviously understand that in the general election in November the republican candidate would beat this Sestak guy like an evangelical christian in a mohammedan prison riot.


This isn’t any stupendous feat of political insight.  Arlen Specter is still a fixture in Pennsylvania, and has considerable appeal for the center.  And, in this climate of anti-incumbency and ambivalence toward the spirit of “hope” it’s probably a good idea to have someone who is palatable to the dim-witted Orthogonians.  Besides, Specter is familiar enough in PA so that, if nothing else, the nostalgia vote may be enough to put him over the top.


And top everything off with the fact Obama owes a significant debt to Specter for changing sides in 2009, giving the democrats a super-majority of 60 seats.  So when it became clear that this Sestak guy would be a genuine threat, the administration was faced with an unexpected and very delicate problem: how to ensure their preferred candidate would get the nomination without appearing to meddle in local politics.


That's no small problem, and back in the 1970 mid-term elections I was faced with a similar dilemma.  The junior senator from New York up for re-election was Charles Goodell, a republican, who was appointed by Gov. Nelson Rockefeller to fill Bobby Kennedy’s seat in '68.  However, although Goodell was a member of my party, he was an agitating bleeding-heart who consistently opposed my strategies for Vietnam and the country.  Just like that damned Rockefeller, he was a Franklin and a republican in name only, and needed to be purged.  After meeting with my trusted inner-circle, I decided that James L. Buckley, (brother of noted conservative gasbag William F. Buckley and a very vocal hawk on Vietnam and opponent of the anti-war hippies), would be a trusted ally, and one on whom I could count in my growing battles against complacency, subversion, and appeasement.


Unfortunately, as leader of the party, it would not be seemly for me to actively campaign against one of my own - even if he was soft.  Goodell, while undependable, was a republican after all, so it was a very delicate matter that required finesse and, above all, no evidence of overt tampering by the president. So, rather than my usual course of action (like sending a squad of hired goons to rough him up, or spending good slush-fund cash to bribe him), I opted for a more delicate maneuver: using Spiro Agnew as a foil to erode his support and to turn the people against him. Remember, by that time Agnew had become something of a minor-celebrity among conservative fanboys and hard-hats who wanted nothing more than to believe that their government was out there busting the nuts of liberal peaceniks.  Agnew’s inflammatory rhetoric and bombastic attitude were the perfect way to whip up hysteria, so I sent him to campaign throughout New York urging people to vote for the candidate who would “support the president.”


Agnew never mentioned any names.  He didn't need to.  His heavy implication and pointed remarks made it clear who we preferred.


And as expected, in '70 Goodell lost his election.  But this Sestak fellow won the recent primary.  Why?  Because Obama’s clumsy bribe of offering Sestak some sort of administration position was played far too ham-handedly.  Even worse, the president offered very little incentive and even less threat.  A good political power play always has a tempting carrot so when the rube does sell out he can salve his conscience by telling himself he made the right choice.  But these offers also carry an ominous stick, so that if the candidate stubbornly clings to something as quaint as ethics, there is a clear and real menace as consequence to his intransigence.  And to top it all off, there was no subtlety in this.  Where was the subterfuge or the coverup?  Since when is the assassination of a political career done without deniability?  This would never have flown in my time.  Not only would the operative tasked with getting Sestak out of the race been hidden beneath layers and layers of cover, but we would have given the entire operation a cool name.  All my dirty tricks were fully covert and had codenames.  That sort of minor attention to detail promotes an esprit de corps and sense of gravity.


If this is how the Obama team handles a problem within their own ranks, how on earth are they going to manage the North Koreans?







Nixon is: Amused

Kruschev's Korner: Mars Is Red!

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Dobro yutro, Komrades!

Recently, I have been watching typical Americanski "futuristic" televisions program is name "Firefly." Is cautionary tale of dangers of corrupt Capitalist decadance, filled with many gun battles and fantasy.  Very good is character called "Niska."  Niska is typical Capitalist, selfish and cruel and makes for good example of western imperialist for to teach children about evils.  Good also are Reavers -- like Cossacks but without singing and dancing.  Both are trouble for small band of heroic revolutionaries, who fought against fascist oppressors, but must always flee from place to place from being outlaws of greedy system.

Only is one flaw with this program: Is complete fairy tale of deranged propaganda showing German central planets, with USA and China main colonists of Space.  Nyet, nyet, nyet, Mr. Whedon, this is laughable premise:  XA XA XA !!!   Everyone knows is Soviets who will prevail and settle space for better good of all mankind and bringing socialist harmony.  When is time for man to create base on Mars, it will be from socialist glory and work, not decadent capitalist blood money and advertising stickers.

And proof for this is plain as nose on face,  EVEN NOW, NASA SHUTTLE ATLANTIS IS CARRY OUT HER FINAL MISSION for Americanski Space Program!  And is only two more missions planned for ANY Americanski Shuttles:  Discovery to fly in September and Endeavor is last in November.  After November, all western astronauts will be left as beggar in streets of capitalist cities like London, and must seek transport from glorious Russian Space Agency in order to reach International Space Station.

But not to worry!  We will not leave our poor American cousins standing with thumbs out in Baikonur Cosmodrome waiting for lift.  Nyet, we will graciously help poor Americans get to space station -- for now.  Their foolish leaders have willingly lowered United States back to rank of second rate space power like Kazakhs or Italians, just as in day when Soviet Union launched Sputnik and when Yuri Gagarin became first man in space one year after.  Gone is competitions between US and Soviet rockets.  Gone even is cooperative era of Soyuz-Apollo mission. Americans give good effort but is not capable of maintaining technology and will to be in space. So now Russia now stands athwart Space like a colossus - but always with open hands to help others in spirit of sharing.

Americans once were fearless pioneers of space -- fearless in following lead set by Soviet Union in 1960 and '61.  Following even heroic Soviet dog, Laika, who is going in space before Americans. The destruction of Challenger and Columbia are testament to bravery.  Since turn of century, however, NASA has lost nerve.  Attitude today is, "Oh, no!  Third auxiliary backup toaster is broken.  Launch must be postponed."  If Russian spacecraft gets broke, cosmonauts fix with twine and chicken wire, no problem, and go. Is difference between Capitalists and Socialists: Capitalists are lazy and always looking to buy solution to problem.  But Socialists are resourceful and can manage to fix their way out of trouble with ingenuity and common sense. For decades, Americans led own space missions; but now impoverished and cowardly heads at NASA will relegate brave Americanski astronauts to being mechanics and like Uzbeki repairmen: changing batteries in Space Station.  Is sad.


до свидания до следующего времени, капиталистов!