The Chosen People

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My fellow Americans,

In what can only be labeled a cowardly attempt to kick me when I am unable to defend myself, the Democrats yesterday started squealing like a stuck pig alleging that I am an anti-semite because of a memo written by Fred Malek, a low-level lackey in my administration.

Let me be perfectly clear about this.  The American people deserve to know whether their president was an anti-semite.  Well,  I am not an anti-semite.  If I were, would I have had Henry Kissinger as my second in command - someone in whom I had the ultimate confidence, trust, and respect?  And let's face it, Henry's about as Jew as one could be.  He's what the Hebrews would call a real "Mensch" (which I think means either stand-up fellow or shrewd negotiator).  Heck, Henry is more a Jew than most rabbis out there.  And he's not the only Jew I knew.  Golda Meir was a friend of mine, and I had the distinct pleasure of being embraced by no less a Jew than Sammy Davis Jr.

Are these the pictures of an anti-semite?

The Democrats are basing their preposterous accusations on a few recently released memos attributed to this Malek guy.  Among them are one in which he supplied a list of people who he described as "ethnic" with "Jewish sounding names" for removal from their positions from the Bureau of Labor Statistics.  Malek's role, overseen by Bob Haldeman, was to identify those within the Bureau who were pinko sympathizers, agitators, or otherwise hostile to the efforts of my administration.  Naturally, we wanted these men out.  But not because they were Jewish.  It was because they consistently misrepresented economic statistics with the sole intent of undermining my credibility and authority.  It's simply a matter of coincidence that these people were also Hebrews. Jew or not, I wanted men who were loyal.  And, in my experience, I have found that, overall, Jews can be among the most loyal people around.  I think it's something their mothers instilled in them (you know how big a role mothers play for Jews), and along with an instinctive understanding of calculating interest, this extreme loyalty is something in which those people can take justifiable pride.

Also, consider this: the individuals specified by Malek were accountants, economists, statisticians, and other financially-related professionals.  Do you honestly think that I could have ever replaced them with non-Jews?  So again, tell me, how on earth could I be a anti-semite if I replace a pinko Jew with a true patriotic, loyal Jew?  If anything, those who claim that republican Jews are less Jewish than democratic Jews sound like the true anti-semites here.

But none of this fools me.  Defamation and character assassination is the Nixon way, and I can smell a smear campaign from a mile away.  This whole thing is just a cheap hustle by the Democrats trying to use alleged anti-semitism to slander the republican candidates in the upcoming mid-term election. But once again, the democrats prove that they're pikers when it comes to dirty-campaigning.  Do they really think the Orthogonians would be sympathetic toward a pack of whiney, subversive, pointy-headed, intellectual Jews in the government?  What the democrats don't understand (or, what they simply refuse to acknowledge) is that while the rich folks may hate the poor folks, the catholics may hate the protestants, and the hindus may hate the mohammedans, everybody hates the Jews.

Nixon Disapproves

God Hates You (and Jesus thinks you're ugly)

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My fellow Americans,

I’ve never been a fan of prostituting my religion for political gain.  It’s always seemed to me to be the most base, vile, and repulsive way to pander to the rubes.  I always preferred aligning myself with the Orthogonians; exploiting the latent racist and xenophobic fear of the people through insinuations and implied threats.  My bread-and butter was always to side with the average stupid and lazy American by claiming that the other guy doesn't understand them, and is actively threatening the safe, soft, middle-class lifestyle of the people.  It worked because Joe Six-Pack and Sally Lunchpail will always be terrified at the thought of communist takeover, or by the horror of filthy, dope addicted hippies overthrowing the nation and raping the women.

So, whenever I see current politicians try to bring God into things, I naturally shudder.  But it’s become the trendy choice for politicians today.  Oh, they don’t come right out and say they are chosen by God – that would be not only too much an ostentatious display of arrogance (on par with the patronizing air of the East Coast elite Franklins), but also just feel too Jewish.  No, the politicians have come up with a much more sinister way of linking themselves with God’s favor.

Whenever asked about a possible candidacy, or about strategy, policy, or position on the issues, the politician will now answer that they have prayed on it, or are waiting for God to provide guidance.  The logical conclusion being that whatever the candidate then does is not only sanctioned, but ordained by the Big Cheese, and thus beyond question or criticism.

I admit, I admire the subtlety of this strategy.  Not only does it convey divine blessing, but has the added bonus of hinting that The Supreme Being isn’t a fan of the other guy.  Yet despite it's advantages, it still isn’t right for me.  I much prefer rolling up my sleeves and diving into the cesspool of slander and calling someone's personal integrity into question.  It would have been easy for me to prey on the fear of subservience to the Vatican by hinting at a Roman Catholic president kissing the Pope’s ring.  But seeing as how it depends too much on the voters being very stupid, easily manipulated, and prone to outbursts of righteous violence, religious exploitation will never be as effective as us-vs.-them tactics. 

Except in the South, that is.

Nixon is: Not Impressed