The Chosen People

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My fellow Americans,

In what can only be labeled a cowardly attempt to kick me when I am unable to defend myself, the Democrats yesterday started squealing like a stuck pig alleging that I am an anti-semite because of a memo written by Fred Malek, a low-level lackey in my administration.

Let me be perfectly clear about this.  The American people deserve to know whether their president was an anti-semite.  Well,  I am not an anti-semite.  If I were, would I have had Henry Kissinger as my second in command - someone in whom I had the ultimate confidence, trust, and respect?  And let's face it, Henry's about as Jew as one could be.  He's what the Hebrews would call a real "Mensch" (which I think means either stand-up fellow or shrewd negotiator).  Heck, Henry is more a Jew than most rabbis out there.  And he's not the only Jew I knew.  Golda Meir was a friend of mine, and I had the distinct pleasure of being embraced by no less a Jew than Sammy Davis Jr.

Are these the pictures of an anti-semite?

The Democrats are basing their preposterous accusations on a few recently released memos attributed to this Malek guy.  Among them are one in which he supplied a list of people who he described as "ethnic" with "Jewish sounding names" for removal from their positions from the Bureau of Labor Statistics.  Malek's role, overseen by Bob Haldeman, was to identify those within the Bureau who were pinko sympathizers, agitators, or otherwise hostile to the efforts of my administration.  Naturally, we wanted these men out.  But not because they were Jewish.  It was because they consistently misrepresented economic statistics with the sole intent of undermining my credibility and authority.  It's simply a matter of coincidence that these people were also Hebrews. Jew or not, I wanted men who were loyal.  And, in my experience, I have found that, overall, Jews can be among the most loyal people around.  I think it's something their mothers instilled in them (you know how big a role mothers play for Jews), and along with an instinctive understanding of calculating interest, this extreme loyalty is something in which those people can take justifiable pride.

Also, consider this: the individuals specified by Malek were accountants, economists, statisticians, and other financially-related professionals.  Do you honestly think that I could have ever replaced them with non-Jews?  So again, tell me, how on earth could I be a anti-semite if I replace a pinko Jew with a true patriotic, loyal Jew?  If anything, those who claim that republican Jews are less Jewish than democratic Jews sound like the true anti-semites here.

But none of this fools me.  Defamation and character assassination is the Nixon way, and I can smell a smear campaign from a mile away.  This whole thing is just a cheap hustle by the Democrats trying to use alleged anti-semitism to slander the republican candidates in the upcoming mid-term election. But once again, the democrats prove that they're pikers when it comes to dirty-campaigning.  Do they really think the Orthogonians would be sympathetic toward a pack of whiney, subversive, pointy-headed, intellectual Jews in the government?  What the democrats don't understand (or, what they simply refuse to acknowledge) is that while the rich folks may hate the poor folks, the catholics may hate the protestants, and the hindus may hate the mohammedans, everybody hates the Jews.

Nixon Disapproves

The Marching Morons

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My fellow Americans,

Today I'd like to take a brief moment to open up to you about something that has really been chafing my hide: the annoying practice shown by the extreme right-wing elements (such as the tea people) to make it a point to portray President Obama being a socialist, only to then (often in the same breath, or in the same poster), associate him with Hitler.

Now, I know some of you may be wondering whether Nixon has gone soft. I want to make it absolutely clear that is not the case.  I know the value of painting someone with a brush of lies, and I support any and all efforts to that end.  But even within the libel, distortion, and blatantly outrageous defamation of a political campaign, there has to be at least a level of consistency in order to make them plausible.

So, this trend of simultaneously calling Obama both a Socialist and Fascist within one breath is not only grotesquely embarrassing, but also shows a stunning ignorance.

Here's a perfect example:

I'll just give you a moment to allow the utter idiocy of labeling an image of Obama with three Communist icons "Fascism" to sink in.

I know. The ignorance here is pretty alarming. How can Obama be both a Communist and a Fascist at the same time?  That's like saying he's both wet and dry. Communism and Fascism are a zero-sum game.  You're either one or the other.  Choose a side and stick with it.

Now, I know that I should be the bigger man in this case and just let it go.  But that's not the Nixon way.  I was never the bigger man. I based my entire political life on not being the bigger man, and making sure to exaggerate every irritant, offense, and inaccuracy no matter how insignificant or inadvertent.  In fact, I was the smallest man of all - which allowed me to be so effective in my slander, character assassination, and manipulation of the truth to whip the ignorant masses into a frenzy. Remember, I was the one who raised Communist-baiting and treasonous innuendo to an art form.  And, I think I know something of the difference between Communists and Fascists.

So, allow me to offer a quick primer to all of those morons out there who continue to remain confused, because it is pretty simple, actually.  Communists are extreme leftists.  Fascists are extreme rightists.  Left/Democrat = Communist.  Right/Republican = Nazi.  How people can be such blithering idiots as to mess that up astounds me, and leads me to wonder what sort of difficulty they have in putting on their shoes in the morning.  As a leftist, Obama should be portrayed as Stalin, Lenin, Che, or Castro.  And, as the counterpoint, rightists such as Sarah Palin should be portrayed as Hitler, Mussolini, or as a stormtrooper for the SS.

Besides, the whole idea of Obama as a Nazi simply flies in the face of reason.  Nazis are about racial, cultural, spiritual, and national purity.  So it's pretty asinine to portray a mulatto as the leader of such a movement.  No, the people who represent the Nazi ideals are those who preach hatred and intolerance of others - Birchers and reactionaries like Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, or Jan Brewer.  A good Nazi wants to eliminate those who don't conform to their racial/cultural/religious standards (through imprisonment, deportment, or execution), not one who wants to open the borders to everyone or provide government-sponsored healthcare and assistance! To give a simple example, the Arizona anti-Illegal Immigrant law is fascist, while those amnesty laws would be Communist.

So painting Obama as Hitler is just stupid.  He is not Hitler.  Besides, do you think those fiercely conservative militias out there, with Swastikas and Nazi-inspired slogans and artwork decorating their remote clubhouses in the wilderness, and who preach their white power and anti-government liturgy want a black man as their figurehead?  Think about it.

It honestly makes me wonder about the intelligence of the right.

It's more and more apparent that people are simply not as well-educated today as they were even 20 years ago.  Particularly, I am ashamed to say, republicans.  Now I know that we republicans were always less intelligent than democrats - but that gap is widening.  And with every day and every new display of right-wing propaganda that gap is more and more evident. Of course I realize that when trying to get the support of the Orthogonians one has to dumb things down considerably.  Aiming for a 5th grade education is about correct for the dingbats and nitwits who make up the republican base.  But even then, one doesn't have to be Sarah Palin and go full retard.  You can still hit the lowest common denominator while maintaining simple factual accuracy.  The accusations of Obama being a socialist are perfect for the nincompoops out there who have no idea what socialism actually is (i.e. the tea people).  And while the claim that Obama is a socialist is obviously false, at least it falls within a broadly appropriate tautological application.

The worst part is that this whole confusion of Socialist, Communist, and Fascist makes us (the real and true republicans) seem just as stupid as the tea people.  And Nixon can not abide that.

Nixon Disapproves

Spying for/on Dummies

Spying .
My fellow Americans,

It seems our intrepid semi-Governor Sarah Palin has completed her testimony in the case of the miserable little liberal punk who hacked into her unsecure Yahoo email account. 

The question isn't whether this pinko is guilty, but rather of the manner and extent of punishment this twerp deserves.

As someone who knows a thing or two about undercover surveillance, allow me to offer my perspective: This brat should be punished fully and completely. Oh, not because he hacked Palin's email. After all, part of the political game is intelligence and operating on the edge of ethics and law.  In order to have the advantage over any adversary one needs as much information on them as possible. And if you need to creep into an office under the cover of night and bug the campaign headquarters of a rival in order to learn more about them, well, that's just the price of doing business.

No.  The reason this irritating bastard should be shown no mercy is because of the clumsy manner in which he gained access to Palin's email.  Even more, because he did so and didn't even make the slightest attempt to cover his tracks.

Before embarking on any sort of operation of this nature one needs to take the time to properly lay the groundwork.  Among the things that must be considered are whether you have the proper personnel in place to conduct the mission with competence.  Even more important is to ensure that you cover every possible contingency in case of error or discovery.  Did this kid have any sort of alibi ready, or even some cover story to provide credible deniability?  What about something - carrot (in the form of hush money) or stick (in the form of assassins) - to make sure that all persons involved remain loyal? Or, at the very least, a plausible scapegoat or willing fall-guy who could take the heat so the Boss doesn't get tossed into the slammer. I was meticulous in my pre-game preparation.  I made sure I had the right pieces on the board before I launched the mission, and even gave them a cool name: The Plumbers.  Liddy provided the stern hand and blind brutality required to make sure the others stayed in line.  Bebe Rebozo secured a very deep slush fund in case we had to grease any palms or buy any cooperation.  And my Bobs were there, ready to not only swear to my innocence, but also willing to take a bullet if it came to that.

And even with all my careful strategy things went wrong.  So the level of audacity and hubris in this kid is simply stunning.  It's as if he didn't even think this through.  A lethal error on his part, and one that needs to be met with a dear enough cost so that he won't make the same mistake in planning the next time he tries something like this.

Of course, Palin is not without some level of blame in this mess.  After all, anyone involved in even the lowest rung of political battle should be savvy enough to realize you simply do not use an open line for communication.  The fact that she was so mind-bogglingly stupid is reason enough to consider her ill-equipped for the office of the President.

Nixon Disapproves

Whore: A Definition by Example

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My fellow Americans,

There are very few things that can make me turn my head and fight the primitive reaction to vomit in disgust.  Student protests are one.  Smug, pompous, privileged, Harvard-educated Franklins are another.

But sadly, neither of those things is the cause today.  I've just found that one of those miserable Palin kids will be on some saccharine television program preaching the importance of abstinence (I can't recall her name - something like Bottlecap, or Whiplash.  Anyway, she's the unwed high-school mommy).

For a moment, lets leave aside the incredible hypocrisy of using a girl who spread her legs like butter on toast to tell others to not give in to their throbbing biological urges.  This is yet another example of Caribou Barbie's ludicrous insincerity in terms of using her mewling spawn as fodder for her political ambitions, while at the same time loudly wailing whenever any of her litter is then mocked by the press.

Now, I understand the need to employ an aggressive campaign strategy by constantly attacking a straw-man, and the need to adopt creative means to maintain some semblance of public attention while not in office.  However, my choice of straw-men were hidden communists, and my choice of maintaining public attention was to continue to bolster my already impressive foreign relations experience by taking trips around the world to visit different leaders and further reinforce the perception that Nixon is a man who understands what is Really Going On.  Something a vapid backwater semi-governor who somehow equated proximity to a foreign country with foreign policy might consider.  But what I would never do is pimp out my daughter, Tricia, for the cameras and gain exposure vicariously through her.  Unlike candidate Milf, I have limits to my degradation.

When I consider what has happened to the once proud Republican party - the party of Teddy Roosevelt and Ike - it makes me more depressed than the summer of '76 when I spent my days all alone, wandering along the beaches of San Clemente, collecting bits of washed up seaweed and wishing I had another chance at how to tackle the whole Watergate thing.

Nixon is: Revolted

Confusion

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My fellow Americans,

There has been something that has been bothering me recently.  It's the spate of shockingly contradictory statements and actions most often voiced by otherwise sensible people.

Take, for example, Samantha Bell, the daughter of Joseph Stack (the terrorist that slammed his small plane into the IRS building in Austin, TX).

Evidently, this poor woman is a mess.  On the one hand, she calls her father a hero for doing what he did:

"Yes [he is a hero]. Maybe now people will listen [...] I think too many people lay around and wait for things to happen, but if nobody comes out and speaks up on behalf of injustice then nothing will ever be accomplished."

Without a hint of betraying the complete incongruity, she then said that what he did was wrong. Further (and even more disturbing and indicative of a new spoiled, entitled attitude I usually associate with effetes who summer in Hyannis Port ... you know, Franklins) she contradicts her statement with her actions, as she goes on to describe how she had to leave the United States in mid pregnancy for the much more socialist country of Norway because Medicaid would not take care of her.

It's difficult for me, a man who tends to agree with her small-government ideology, to reconcile the fact that she then betrays that belief by going to a land where the government manages healthcare.  And I'm somewhat an expert in compromising my morals, ethics, beliefs, and integrity in order to make a point.

My fellow Americans, is this the best we can do?  Is this poor display of incompetent thought what conservative philosophy has degraded to?

Even worse, she seems to agree with the idea of her father taking action against the IRS.  That is something I could never condone.  Violence against a government agency is terrorism, as sure as if it were done by Carlos the Jackal or Yassir Arafat.  Besides, in my day the IRS was a very valued government insitute.  It served me as a very strong weapon in my attempt to battle my enemies.

It wasn't like this in my day.  It wasn't like this at all.

Nixon Disapproves

A Retard by Any Other Name

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My fellow Americans,

It seems that we as a people (and more specifically, we Republicans as a group) are getting soft. We've lost the fortitude that allowed us to stand up to the likes of Hitler and Daniel Ellsberg, while also pulverizing opponents like McGovern or Allende into jelly.

Worse yet, what is particularly distressing is how those who lead, or who hope to lead, have also become pathetic, dribbling weaklings - demanding apologies for the slightest perceived offense. So you can imagine my supreme disappointment when Gov Sarah Palin, potential candidate for President in 2012 and the self proclaimed "pitbull with lipstick" became offended by a cartoon that made fun of retarded kids.  A Cartoon! Not an editorial in the Times or the Post, but a cartoon.


Our leaders need to be strong and able to withstand the brutality, vitriol, and character assassination that comes with the responsibility of power. Did I cry and demand an apology when the Democrats started calling me 'Tricky Dick,' or when those subversive newspaper cartoonists drew unsavory pictures of me, sweaty and grime-covered, climbing out of a sewer?

Of course not. I always gave as good as I got. In Moscow in 1959, when Kruschev tried to get the better of me in the kitchen debate, I didn't fold up and demand an apology. I fought back.  And that's what Gov. Palin needs to do. Just shut her trap about her damned mongoloid child and go on the offensive. She's shown she's capable of it. Her malicious lies and despicable slander of President Obama during the 2008 campaign were almost as good as my savage 'Pink Lady' strategy against Helen Gahagan Douglas back in 1950.  The trouble is, Palin is one of those distasteful, mealy-mouthed prima donnas who can dish it out but can't take it, and ends up getting her ruffled panties in a twist whenever things get rough. Just like a dame.

Politics is a rough business, and it needs to be. If a candidate is unable to handle the unfriendly treatment of the press or their competitor, how would they ever be able to look a communist in the eye, or be able to give the command to bomb Cambodia? Regret and compassion are only acceptable in concession speeches, and even then only if contrasted by pettiness and seething, bitter animosity. Asking for an apology - even for mocking a defenseless retard - is for losers.

Nixon is: Revolted