Contributors

Richard Mihous Nixon (The Boss):

Born to hard-working yet poverty-stricken Quaker parents, Hanna and Frank, little Richard grew up in the Badlands of Yorba Linda, CA. Nixon’s parents were strict and showed their child very little affection - often locking him in the potato cellar for days at a time with only the various worms and vermin as company.  This experience manifested itself later in Nixon’s extreme paranoid and vindictive behavior as an adult.

Nixon’s accomplishments include raising the level of political slander to dangerously libelous heights; perfecting the technique of insinuation and indirect accusations of opponents; and mastering the delicate technique of lying to friends, family, co-workers, and voters without betraying a hint of conscience.

Although Nixon instigated such monumental events as the assassination of Salvador Allende in Chile, the secret expansion of the Vietnam war into Cambodia and Laos, and the subversion of the integrity of the office of the President, he may well be best known for his routine practice of over-indulging in alcoholic beverages before bowling a few games - all the while forcing his cabinet to acknowledge that "the Boss kicked butt."

Contrary to his claims, he was indeed a crook.

Nikita Sergeyevich Kruschev (Chief Foreign Correspondent):



Kruschev was born in a communal birthing barn in Kursk Oblast, Russia, where once a month all of the local pregnant women would squat over a shallow pit filled with straw and deposit their children, then go back into the fields to work.  This spirit of teamwork and sacrifice for the good of the community-at-large remained with Kruschev, and formed the core of his beliefs.

As a boy, Kruschev dreamt of being a comedian, like Lou Costello, Oliver Hardy or Fatty Arbuckle, reasoning that if those men could gain fame from their corpulence, a short, stout Ukranian would be a shoe-in.  Unfortunately, the decadence associated with such fame turned off the young Kruschev, who instead indulged his need for glory by actions in the Russian Revolution of 1917.

World War Two saw Kruschev rise within the Soviet system through the shrewd ability to ally with Joseph Stalin.  In his later years Kruschev would regret having soiled his dignity in this way saying, "He [Stalin] always wanted us to laugh at his jokes.  And his jokes were awful.  Just awful."

In his later years Kruschev suffered greatly from corns, blisters, and overpowering foot odor as a result of years of wearing shoddy Soviet shoes.  He also grew to indulge in his particular fetish for caressing turkeys.

Edward Moore Kennedy (Chief Domestic Policy Correspondent):

Better known as Ted, Edward Kennedy was the youngest of the nine Kennedy children (four of whom survived into adulthood) born to father Joseph and mother Rose.

Being the youngest, Teddy was often the butt of jokes, or the recipient of his father's stern hand.  As a coping mechanism, Teddy learned that alcohol offered refuge, and began drinking at the age of seven.  When his parents found out they brutally punished the young boy, because Irish children should be drinking by the age or five. Despite his late start, Teddy showed a keen affinity for "the creature" and excelled at it.

Ted was one of three Kennedy boys to make a name for themselves in politics.  However, as he was not as handsome as John nor as charismatic as Robert, Ted was to forever be Fredo to their Micheal and Sonny.  Fortunately for Ted, he was able to get the last laugh as the popularity of his elder brothers carried a considerable cost which he was never asked to pay.

Thanks to his father and brothers' considerable influence peddling and liberal use of hired goons, Ted was elected as Senator from Massachusetts in 1962 - a seat he filled until his death in 2009.

Ted Kennedy is an excellent driver, and nothing of interest at all happened to him in 1969.


Henry Alfred Kissinger (Chief Foreign Policy Correspondent):

Henry was born to a nice Jewish family in Bavaria, in 1923, which was neither a good time nor place to be one of the Tribe of Abraham.  His family, seeing the writing on the wall and the jackboots in the streets, decided to get the hell out of Germany while the getting was good, and settled in the Washington Heights section of Manhattan.

Being a bit of a nebbish child with glasses and a problem with physical coordination, Henry did what every other Jew in New York did - he studied so that one day he'd be able to take vengeance on all the goyim who mocked him and called him names like Honker and "Kiss-A-Jew."  Henry's academic brilliance took him to Harvard, where he earned a Ph.D. and was invited to become a faculty member.

But Henry had bigger dreams, and soon found his genetic gift for quibbling, haggling, and nitpicking were perfectly suited for politics.  Being completely amoral and opportunistic, Henry attached himself to whichever group happened to be in power at the time.  He served as an adjunct advisor to both the Kennedy and Johnson administrations before jumping ship to become the foreign policy advisor to Nelson Rockefeller during his abortive run for the Republican presidential nomination in 1968.  When the nod went to Nixon, Henry immediately supplicated himself and joined the Nixon team.

It was here, as the National Security Advisor that Henry could finally indulge his misanthropy and malice.  Among his accomplishments were masterminding the assassination of Salvador Allende, supporting the terrorism of the FNLA in Angola, and giving approval for the genocide in East Timor.  He once referred to Ho Chi Minh as that "dirty yellow bastard" and would cry himself to sleep after Nixon would fly into a rage and call him "Jew-Boy."

George Gordon Battle Liddy (Chief Security/Intelligence Correspondent):

George, known to both friends and foes alike as "G," was born at precicely 0500 on Nov 30, 1930 in Brooklyn, New York.  His father, a strict man, demanded that his son be born at reville, as he believed this would set the right precedent of discipline and precision.

G. was raised a Catholic, and spent his formative years in the tender embrace of the Sisters at the Academy of the Sacred Heart, and then at the Saints Peter and Paul Parochial School, from which G. learned the importance of sadism and routine beatings.  He took those lessons with him during his time in the US Army and later the FBI, where he gained notoriety for enthusiastically endorsing the adoption of Chinese and North Korean interrogation techniques.

But G's true breakthrough came during his service in the Nixon administration.  Initially a minor operative, his tendency to give even mundane assignments code names, and to create needlessly complicated plans soon caught the attention of "the Boss."  G. joined CREEP, where he embarked on plots to photograph mid-level Democratic officials in flagrante with prostitutes, and to kidnap demonstrators and transport them to Mexico.  Yet it was his handling of the bungled break-in of Daniel Elsberg's psychiatrist's office which lead to his running the Watergate burgulary.

Watergate was a spectacular failure, and G. was indicted and convicted of conspiracy, burgulary, and wiretapping for which he served four and a half years of a 20 year sentence.  After prison, G. wrote his memoirs, Will, in which he engaged in wild flights of fancy regarding his self-proclaimed expertise in espionage and counter-intelligence.  Desperate to remain in the spotlight, he then toured with one-time nemesis Dr. Timothy Leary in a bizarre series of talks on the intellectual comedy circuit.

G. is currently happily coccooned in a heavily fortified secret location, from which he indulges in his paranoia and conspiracy theories. 


Spiro Theodore Agnew (Chief Cultural Correspondent) :

Spiro Theodore Agnew was born on Nov 9, 1918, in Baltimore, MD, to an immigrant Greek father and American mother, and raised in a fanatically pro-American environment. His father, Theodore, would often tell his young son of how he insisted on changing his last name from the ethnically-stained Anagnostopoulos to the more easily pronounced "Agnew" in order to better fit in to American society. The lesson was not lost on the young Agnew, who made rigid conformity to the American status quo his life's work.  

As Governor of Maryland, Spiro displayed this fierce opposition to anything considered "un-American" by attempting to mandate that everyone with ethnic surnames to change them to more American sounding ones.  But when Spiro publicly claimed that Martin Luther King's assassination was the result of racist and socially disruptive activities on the part of the slain leader and the greater Civil Rights movement, he caught the eye of the Nixon campaign, who felt the Maryland firebrand would be the perfect field boss to put the whip to subversives, negro agitators, and pinkos.

Spiro relished his role as the administration's hit man against Franklins, committing himself to an all-out war against the press, intellectuals, political opponents, and the growing counter-culture. Spiro was merciless in his verbal assault, and was celebrated in conservative circles for his clever insults such as calling journalists or anti-war activists "pusillanimous pussyfooters", "nattering nabobs of negativism", "hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history", and "an effete corps of impudent snobs."

Despite his success as a guard dog for morals and patriotism, Agnew was indicted for tax evasion and taking bribes.  As part of a plea deal, Spiro resigned from the office of Vice President on Oct 10, 1973 and relinquished any claim to the popular Agnew watches of the day.