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My fellow Americans,

It seems that even after an election, candidates (even losers) can still face slander, character assassination, and political attacks.  Christine O'Donnell, the simpleton, teabag senatorial candidate from Delaware (and who is not a witch), is being investigated by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) for misappropriation of campaign funds, and using the money for personal expenses.  It’s a serious charge, and one that takes me back to my time as a young, brash candidate facing a similar problem.

In 1952, as candidate for Vice President, I was blindsided by some rumors and whispers coming from Adlai Stevenson’s camp regarding some funny business with my campaign funds.  Let me be perfectly clear: these were completely false, and so of course I denied it.  But the pinkos in the press were out to crucify me and they just wouldn't let up.  Soon even Ike was starting to doubt me.

Now, you have to understand that painting a candidate with a brush of corruption is a political strategy as old as time itself. While I preferred attacking patriotism and character, I also occasionally used the spectre of financial shenanigans.   And even if done in a clumsy manner, say the way the republicans tried to smear the Clintons with Whitewater in the 90's, it is effective.

For the person targeted by these accusations, the trick is in how to combat it. One way is to take the high-road; ignore the charges and hope that doing so denies them any legitimacy and they go away.  The alternative is the aggressive approach in which one vigorously denies them to prove themselves innocent.  In ’52 I first tried the former.  However, ignoring the charge didn’t work because the press kept the accusations alive.  As a result, the pressure mounted and so I was forced into the latter and had to publicly defend myself.

I had to make my case, convince the public and Ike that I was innocent and exonerate myself, or resign as Ike's running mate.  Since I have never been a quitter, and leaving before the election is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body, I had no choice. So I demanded and got 30 minutes of TV time to refute the charges.  I knew that this was a one-shot deal. 

When the red-light on the television camera turned on, I began.  I artfully laid out my finances, warts and all, for scrutiny.  I accounted for every cent, showing both the origin and destination of my personal income, and showed where the campaign funds were allocated.  I pointed out how I owned an average car, had a mortgage, and how my wife didn’t have a mink coat but a respectable republican cloth coat.  In other words, I showed that I was just like the Joe Sixpacks and Sally Lunchpails out there watching me: an average Orthogonian being unfairly attacked by privileged Franklins.  Then, as a coup de grace, I admitted to one potentially slight violation of campaign contributions: I mentioned how a donor gave my family a dog, and I stood up with as much fire and grit as I could, choking back emotion, and defiantly stated that since my girls seemed to like it, we were keeping him.  And that dog saved my ass.

Although it was the most effective speech I ever gave and the response was overwhelmingly positive, it was the most humiliating experience of my life.  Easily the bitterest pill I've ever had to swallow - even worse than getting out-schemed by that damned Kennedy in '60 or being mocked by the press in my California gubernatorial defeat in '62. I would have much preferred to have the rumor die quietly.

But Ms. O’Donnell doesn’t seem to be bothering with trying to ignore things.  When news of the investigation broke out, she immediately took the offensive and vehemently denied any wrongdoing by issuing a statement saying the charges are politically motivated.  She’s adopting a scattergun defense, taking aim at everyone from her own campaign workers to Vice President Joe Biden, accusing them all of targeting her in some liberal conspiracy to bring her down, stating,
"You have to look at this whole thug-politic tactic for what it is [...] Given that the king of the Delaware political establishment just so happens to be the vice president of the most liberal presidential administration in U.S. history, it is no surprise that misuse and abuse of the FBI would not be off the table"
Now, on the surface it would seem that Ms. O’Donnell is doing exactly what I did nearly 60 years ago - bravely facing down the charges. Except that her defense isn't one.  Unlike me, she hasn't offered any evidence or facts to prove her innocence.  No financial records or proof of income.  In fact, all she's done is accuse others of ganging up on her.  It's a risky tactic because it's far too transparent and stinks of a guilty person desperately trying to deflect the truth.  

Not only that, but her victimization claim seems shaky. Back in '52 when it happened to me I was an active candidate for Vice President addressing an assault during a hotly contested campaign. O'Donnell has already lost her campaign, having been stomped and publicly exposed as a lightweight, and is fading into the obscurity of being a political asterix.  She’s no more than a punch line to a joke about embarrassing American political campaigns, and has about as much relevance as a half-eaten egg salad sandwich left on a bench in some rural bus depot.

In other words, her claiming to be some sort of victim of a cabal run by evolutionists, masturbators, and papists simply doesn’t make any sense.  A "conspiracy" defense only works for people who are already (or potentially) in a position of power.

Sure, it's completely absurd and makes her seem more of a paranoid nincompoop than she already is.  But, bless her dimwitted heart, at least she’s fighting.  Who cares if she’s doesn't have the capacity to understand that the idea she’s being targeted is ludicrous?  She’s going down swinging and sticking to her pig-ignorance.  Does it matter that she's already admitted guilt by confirming that she spent campaign funds on her rent since she claimed her home doubled as her headquarters?  Not in the least. We already knew she was completely stupid, but at least now we also know the little dullard has guts.  And that’s got to count for something.

My advice to Ms. O'Donnell is to get a dog.   Preferably a Cocker Spaniel.

Nixon Approves

Season's Greetings!


All the Kennedys in Boston liked Christmas a lot.
But the Nixon, down in Yorba Linda
Did not.

Nixon is: Festive 


My fellow Americans,

The end of the year is traditionally a time for people to reflect on what has happened and turn toward what is coming. Unless, of course, you're the president with an agenda facing the last few days of a lame-duck congress. In that case, the end of the year is a time of pressure and anxiety as you scramble to salvage as many of your initiatives as possible before the new (and hostile) group comes in and sabotages your every move.

The matter of Obama's Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty (START) with Russia is a perfect example. President Obama has asked the congress to ratify START before congress adjourns for the end of the year. The republicans, wearing their pants high after successful mid-term elections and gaining the extension of the Bush tax cuts, are resistant and looking to again flex their muscles. The rationale of the republican senators who wish to delay the vote on the treaty is that they want to take reasonable time to debate it and ensure that it allows for sufficient protections for the United States is hard to refute.

However, as others have pointed out, what happens in the senate, particularly as it concerns matters of the president, is usually not based on logic, nor because of a Left-Right philosophical incongruity. Instead, too often, it becomes little more than a pissing contest between the legislative and executive branches, where the senate obfuscates a president's agenda simply because they can. Sadly, congress wants to feel important and relevant, and to do so they often resort to taking a position contrary to that of the president simply because it focuses attention on them. What they really need to do is understand that if the president does something of this level, the job of congress is simply to approve it and nothing more. Congress should focus on domestic issues and not meddle in international affairs.  Foreign policy should be the sole territory of the president. Congress has neither the capacity nor opposable thumbs required for that sort of delicate work.

So, while the president is pressing for swift ratification, the senate, led by Sens McConnel (R-KY) and Kyl (R-AZ) is intentionally playing a low-tempo game.  Now, far be it for me to question the integrity of my fellow republicans, but there are some who have wondered whether their intransigence is actually justified. And while I am more than willing to give the benefit of the doubt to members of my party, I have more than enough first-hand experience with senators to know that they can often act on selfish reasons ahead of what's good for the country.

Back in 1972, I found myself in a similar situation. I, along with Kissinger, had been working with Leonid Brezhnev, Aleksander Dobrynin, and the Soviets since 1969 on the Strategic Arms Limitations Talks (SALT). And anyone who has had to face the Soviets knows that this was a very delicate matter. After three years of endless summits in desolate locales negotiating megatonnage, deployment vectors, MIRVs and MRVs, ICBMs, and methods of verification, we finally had an agreement. To say it was a noteworthy accomplishment is more than a gross understatement.

SALT should have been cause for massive celebrations along the level of VE and VJ day. I should have been met with a ticker-tape parade in Times Square, fireworks, and been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

Instead, as Henry said, the republicans in the senate treated me like a schlub (its one of those funny sounding Hebrew words he would often use).  They questioned my patriotism and reacted to the treaty with knee-jerk opposition and skepticism. Some even wondered aloud whether I'd capitulated to the communists and ensured the destruction of our nation. They demanded an open debate to dissect the treaty and then had the temerity to suggest changes according to their whims. It made no difference to them that between me and Henry we had the two sharpest international political minds involved. Oh no! Those ingrates felt as if somehow they had the right to meddle, even though they had about as much understanding of the intricacies of the agreement as a hillbilly has of personal hygiene.

Their interference almost sent Henry over the edge, but I understood the congressional mind (having served as both representative and senator).  All those small people wanted was their moment in the spotlight. Maybe a few pictures in their local papers for the rubes. Ultimately, they voted to ratify the treaty. But not without first butting in to the process like an unwanted alcoholic half-brother at Thanksgiving dinner.

It's not surprising that things haven't changed all that much, although in today's climate it seems that the vocal opposition of Senators McConnel and Kyl are more about being against something Obama is for.  Still, it boils down to those to just being the sort of pushy dunderheads who crave the attention and validation of their existence. People like them ought to realize that their constant intrusion does nothing but needlessly complicate things. But their inflated sense of self-importance prevents that.

Nixon is: Frustrated

Happy Hour: Bush Tax Cuts Get Donkey Punched


You know, it's been tough trying to be positive about how my fellow Democrats have been doing in congress lately. We get clobbered in the mid-term elections ceding control of the House and having the Senate majority trimmed to a sparse majority of 53. We manage to pass a watered-down version of the revolutionary healthcare bill, but Don't Ask-Don't Tell is not yet repealed; the DREAM Act hasn't yet seen the light of day; Clean Energy continues to be hobbled by big business interests; and we still have combat troops in both Iraq and Afghanistan.

It's enough to make a guy take up drinking, so it's a good thing I've been doing it for a while.

However, every now and then something happens that brings a smile to my face, and reaffirms my belief that today's Democratic Party actually stands for something, the way it used to when my brothers ran the show. Today was one of those days when the Donkeys in the House of Representatives took a collective sip of courage, stood up to the bullying of the Republicans, and voted to reject the extension of the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, while keeping the current cuts for middle-class and working Americans in place.

This is a significant show of spine by the Dems not seen since Tip O'Neill would stomp through the House commissary, drinking other fellas' milkshakes. And, it calls the bluff on the GOP, who held working-class Americans hostage by threatening to oppose the extension of the unemployment benefits for long-term out of work Americans unless the rich got their tax cut. 

Naturally, the Republicans will squeal like stuck pigs about this.  They'll lie about how the Democrats want to hike taxes and spread fear about how this is going to further harm the economy.  Their argument has been that giving the wealthy their tax cut stimulates the economy because as the wealthy spend their money it will create jobs.  What they don't say is that the wealthy will use the extra money to buy monocles, light their cigars with $100 bills, and pay whores to indulge their unspeakable repressed perversions.

Republicans will also just ignore the fact that passing this tax cut extension while simultaneously extending the unemployment benefits would really kill the economy by increasing the defecit even further.  They'll also forget to mention that we've already been enjoying this tax break for the past 6 years or so, and it hasn't yet resulted in job growth or economic prosperity.

In fact, we've already had about 30 years of this nonsense and the economy (for regular Americans) has been steadily deteriorating since "Trickle Down" was first introduced by Reagan in 1980. It didn't work then, and it's not going to magically work now.

Which begs the question: why are the Republicans so eager to see the cut extended? 

Well, there's the fact that the people who would benefit most from this extension are the ones pulling the strings of the GOP.  But that's only part of it.  They know quite well that extending the tax cuts is a bum deal that would ruin the economy and leave the US in even worse shape two years from now.  In fact, they're counting on it.  They realize that their best chance to unseat Obama in 2012 will be if the economy has continued to deteriorate.  So they are more than willing to inflict more hardship if it buys them the presidency.

So, now the ball is in the Repubicans' court.  The Democrats have found their pride and that's worth toasting. So raise a glass with me.

Bottoms Up!

Kruschev's Korner: World Cup is Red!

Dobro yutro, comrades!

Perhaps you have heard the bolshoi izvestia of past week?  No, is not how your capitalist president Obama is having hard time trying to fix corrupt Amercanski economy.  Is much bigger than this.  Central committee of FIFA has wisely chosen Mother Russia to host Wold Cup in 2018.  They have correctly rejected bid from perfidious and treacherous England, as well as joint bids by tiny Belgium and Netherlands and also by imperialists Portugal and Spain.  And to showing how FIFA recognizes of not rewarding greedy enemy of global proletariat, American attempt to purchase the tournament for 2022 by sending running dog Bill Clinton was rightfully ignored, showering corporate stooges with much shame.

This is as should be because Football is people's game and shining example of Socialism.  In game, each player contributes to glory of team, none tries to monopolize ball. Maybe this explains why American team is never taste success on football pitch?

President of Russkaya Football Soyuz, Comrade Sergei Fursenko, makes brave in statement to say, 
“Nobody can stop us from achieving our goals for 2018. We now need to focus on the tasks ahead: the construction of 16 new stadiums and 72 training centres. Today, this has suddenly become a reality. I would therefore like to congratulate everyone – this is a victory for all of us.”

Is pravda!  Back in my youth when Czar was oppressing the land, the people had no stadium.  None, none, none!  Football we played by kicking head of cabbage around in muddy field after donkeys finish plowing.  And we had no training centers.  Training consist of trying to prevent drunken Uzbeks of stealing cabbage. After glorious 1917 Revolution new socialist government of Lenin is building scientific sports complex, and Soviet athletes show superiority in international competitions, like glorious Soviet goalkeeper and premier player in world, Lev Yashin.

Lev Yahsin makes spectacular save for mighty Soviet Football Soyuz!

Today is beginning of bright new glorious dawn for Soviet Football thanks to hard work and sacrifice by the People with guidance of scientific Socialism.

Capitalist countries cannot prevail against tide of history.  Last year U.S. President Obama struck out trying to extort the IOC and win Olympics for his hometown of Chicago by going to Copenhagen carrying bags of money and threat of American military imperialism.  This year Russia sends supermodel Natalia Vodianova to Zurich as display of warmth, protection, and nurturing love of socialism for all exploited peoples and races, and BAM gets World Cup.
Beautiful socialism is love and protecting on all races

We Russki have a saying that fits American failure with Olympics and 2022 World Cup: "Nitko idet k Tulom so svoim samovarom." This is meaning that nobody should traveling to Tula and bringing their own samovar.  But don't worry, Americanski.  Russia is gracious host and will allow you to come and play.  And after you lose in opening round, can stay as guest and enjoying the vast landscape and pleasant hospitality of Mother Russia.

до свидания до следующего времени, капиталистов!

Taking a Leak

My fellow Americans,

A lot has been made over the release of classified, sensitive, and secret diplomatic information by the WikiLeaks website, with considerable attention given to some of the characterizations of foreign leaders.

News outlets pounced on such purile and lurid passages as calling Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi "feckless, vain and ineffective as a leader", and with a penchant for throwing "wild parties." Or those painting French President Nicolas Sarkozy as having a "thin-skinned and authoritarian personal style" with a bit of an inferiority complex. Now, many Americans probably agree with this and don't understand the uproar over this leak. After all, none of this is actually top-secret information. We all know that Berlusconi is a drooling old whoremonger and that Sarkozy is a petulant hobbit.

The naive among us would look upon something like this as simply transparency, and the right of the people to be informed about what their government is doing. But that's not true. Much like the process of making sausage, there are things in government and diplomacy that the people are better off not knowing. And your average orthogonian doesn't really want to know what happens behind the scenes. He's happy just knowing that the government is taking action to keep him secure, healthy, and free. The less he knows about the specifics, the better.

But that isn't the point. The content is incidental to the act. It doesn't matter that most of these comminications are mundane reports about unimportant incidents in insignificant countries. What is pertinent is that the publication of these documents is a serious and major breach in the integrity of our protected communications and a blow to our national security.

So these leaks, while cloaked in the guise of transparency, are really just the attempt of Franklins looking to take a potshot at the power structure. I know, because I had a similar experience. In June, 1971 the leading voice of the subversives and agitators, the New York Times, started publishing excerpts from the classified "Pentagon Papers" which detailed the top-secret American strategy, analysis, plans, and intentions for political and military operations in Vietnam. It didn't matter that this information was compiled during my predecessor's administration. The important thing was that this was secret government communications and it was now in the hands of the liberal press. It was a leak, and that level of aggression simply can not be allowed to stand unanswered. As president, it was my duty to respond.

Now, while you might not be able to put the genie back in the bottle, you can break the hands of the dirty rat who opened the lid and let it out. Retaliation, disproportionate in it's intensity, is whats needed. And that's just what I did back in '71. Once we smoked out that snake Ellsberg it was all about payback. And that's what needs to happen now. This Asange is thumbing his nose at the sanctity of government and the privilege of politicians and diplomats to perform without fear of public scrutiny.

When I faced this matter I chose Liddy for the job. He was a nasty and vicious bastard, and wanted nothing more than the chance to go Cambodian on some pointy-headed East Coast liberal like Ellsberg. I wanted the sweet revenge of destroying his reputation, livelihood, and personal life, while I think Liddy had something a bit more immediately physical in mind. In any case, a slipup during the infiltration of Ellberg's psychiatrist's office quashed the plans.

But at least I had the minerals to take action.

Now it's Obama's turn. He needs to find some psychotic beast willing to risk everything to get to this character and run a spike up his ass. At this point it's about principle. And that is more precious than any memo describing the Iranians as selfish, uncooperative misanthropes.

Nixon is: Vengeful

Debriefing: What Happened to My America?



Greetings fellow patriots.

The other day, as I was exercising my God-given right to walk the streets of my community, my blood froze. There before me I saw the most curious sight I’ve seen since that drugged out hippy Timothy Leary. Yes, friends, they were cameras. Mounted on poles at intersections with the intent of watching you.

Upon seeing the surveillance my training kicked in and I immediately used my God-given agility, honed by the American military, to quickly take cover behind some foliage while simultaneously drawing the firearm I always keep at my side (promised us by our Founding Fathers in the Constitution of the United States of America).

I did a quick reconnaissance of the area, secured my perimeter, and confident that there was no threat re-holstered my weapon. I again looked up at the surveillance cameras and wondered to myself about them.

On the one hand, I applauded the initiative required to ensure the public’s continued compliance with the law. Constantly monitoring the activity of revolutionaries, anarchists, and other un-American leftist organizations is something we only dreamed of in the turbulent days of the counter-culture. Limits on our ability to gather information meant that our prosecution of the war against the subversives took longer, and often required unwavering dedication and relentless hard work of good patriots in order to preserve our American society.  Back then, a computerized, round-the-clock, blanket surveillance system was the stuff of fantasy.

But then it dawned on me: these cameras could also be used for evil by those same communist sympathizers as a means of preventing true Americans, like you and me, from carrying out our duty. Suddenly remembering that we have a socialist president, that realization sent a chill down my spine.

This is not the America I knew and loved. That was an America where a bright, ambitious young attorney could plot to kidnap anti-war protesters, take them to Mexico bound and gagged, and leave them there to rot -- or die (which ever came first).

This was now a mendacious America of the weak.  An America of Sam Ervin, Woodward and Bernstein, and that treacherous swine, John Dean. An America of filthy weasels and sniveling snitches that keep their eyes and cameras watching us. Instead of patriotic Americans using this new technology to protect ourselves from leftist insurgents and intellectual agitators, those same enemies could now compile intel on us. Much the way the Weathermen and the Black Panthers began to develop their own espionage organizations in the 70’s to try and infiltrate our police and government security agencies, it seems our new socialist government is looking for a new way to monitor us. Recording and keeping files on true Americans, lying about us and following us and asking about us … and ratting us out, turning on us when we least expect it.

This environment where one is constantly under threat of being betrayed by an informant reminds me of my time in prison. On one occasion an inmate was suspected of snitching on one of my comrades. In order to ascertain the veracity of this suspicion, I recruited a few trustworthy Cuban-born accomplices and devised a careful plan to expose the truth, which I called Operation Veritas. The plan was for my companions to enact an elaborate mock-fracas involving pro- and anti-Castro demonstrators combined with copious shouting and a small but vigorous melee to occupy the attention of the guards while I then isolated the suspected rat in the laundry, behind a large container filled with soiled linen. Once my position was secure, I would interrogate the suspect with a series of cross-referenced questions and strategically placed kicks to the balls. The operation was a complete success, and the suspected snitch admitted his guilt. I just wish that guy was Dean.

My razor-sharp insight tells me I am on to something larger and more sinister than I ever suspected; but much as I had to first put Operation Veritas into action before dealing with the snitch, I must ferret out the facts. Nonetheless, the clues are already there. Do you think it a coincidence that these cameras are around at the same time a muslim in Christian's clothing is president and that pinko Jerry Brown is once again the Governor of California?

I think not!

Yours, ever vigilant in God’s sight.


Kruschev's Korner: Goal!


Dobro Yutro, Comrades!

Many of my American friends maybe not knowing that is currently playing in South Africa the World Cup of football. World Cup is big international tournament and world celebration more important for all people than Olympics.  All world are stop work and put attention on football pitch to watch people's game. Poor Americans not understand this, and even make mistake and call game soccer instead of football, because American have own game called "football."  But Americanski football is not actual football.  How can be?  Is played with hands and never use feet on ball!  Is should be called handball.

But in FIFA World Cup tournament yesterday was exciting match featuring corporate sponsored Brazil playing stalwart socialist representatives of Democratic People's Republic of Korea.  Many in world are thinking Brazil is the most impressive football team, but really are typical capitalist stooges - mercenaries who play for money and always showing off.  But DPRK is solid and courageous team made from proud socialist men who play for strength and pride.

Game was perfect example of eternal struggle of people against oppression.  Brazilian are make constant attacking but brave DPRK defense is powerful like unpenetrable wall protecting against western decadence.  Eventually, corrupt match referee conspire with degenerate and greedy FIFA officials to give Brazil advantage to win.  But even though final score is 2:1, DPRK are true winners by show socialism is defender of all people in world.

Compare fearless DPRK with pitiful USA attempt.  Americans show how decadent lifestyle of debauchery and hedonism make for soft and weak team.  Americanski players are confused, and only by laughable and cowardly mistake by imperialist British goalkeeper can save USA from crushing embarassment of exposing crumbling capitalist system.

Also typical of capitalisti, Americans know is impossible to win World Cup and so must use puppets like Brazil or Germany.  Brave socialist warriors of DPRK are stand alone and face entire world.

And sad that Americans are not seeing entire world celebration because of narrow mind and arrogance in sport. Maybe if vain Americans try and learn more about international peoples it would help stop militaristic American imperialst war machine, for to make better peace in world. 

до свидания до следующего времени, капиталистов!

The Chosen People

My fellow Americans,

In what can only be labeled a cowardly attempt to kick me when I am unable to defend myself, the Democrats yesterday started squealing like a stuck pig alleging that I am an anti-semite because of a memo written by Fred Malek, a low-level lackey in my administration.

Let me be perfectly clear about this.  The American people deserve to know whether their president was an anti-semite.  Well,  I am not an anti-semite.  If I were, would I have had Henry Kissinger as my second in command - someone in whom I had the ultimate confidence, trust, and respect?  And let's face it, Henry's about as Jew as one could be.  He's what the Hebrews would call a real "Mensch" (which I think means either stand-up fellow or shrewd negotiator).  Heck, Henry is more a Jew than most rabbis out there.  And he's not the only Jew I knew.  Golda Meir was a friend of mine, and I had the distinct pleasure of being embraced by no less a Jew than Sammy Davis Jr.

Are these the pictures of an anti-semite?

The Democrats are basing their preposterous accusations on a few recently released memos attributed to this Malek guy.  Among them are one in which he supplied a list of people who he described as "ethnic" with "Jewish sounding names" for removal from their positions from the Bureau of Labor Statistics.  Malek's role, overseen by Bob Haldeman, was to identify those within the Bureau who were pinko sympathizers, agitators, or otherwise hostile to the efforts of my administration.  Naturally, we wanted these men out.  But not because they were Jewish.  It was because they consistently misrepresented economic statistics with the sole intent of undermining my credibility and authority.  It's simply a matter of coincidence that these people were also Hebrews. Jew or not, I wanted men who were loyal.  And, in my experience, I have found that, overall, Jews can be among the most loyal people around.  I think it's something their mothers instilled in them (you know how big a role mothers play for Jews), and along with an instinctive understanding of calculating interest, this extreme loyalty is something in which those people can take justifiable pride.

Also, consider this: the individuals specified by Malek were accountants, economists, statisticians, and other financially-related professionals.  Do you honestly think that I could have ever replaced them with non-Jews?  So again, tell me, how on earth could I be a anti-semite if I replace a pinko Jew with a true patriotic, loyal Jew?  If anything, those who claim that republican Jews are less Jewish than democratic Jews sound like the true anti-semites here.

But none of this fools me.  Defamation and character assassination is the Nixon way, and I can smell a smear campaign from a mile away.  This whole thing is just a cheap hustle by the Democrats trying to use alleged anti-semitism to slander the republican candidates in the upcoming mid-term election. But once again, the democrats prove that they're pikers when it comes to dirty-campaigning.  Do they really think the Orthogonians would be sympathetic toward a pack of whiney, subversive, pointy-headed, intellectual Jews in the government?  What the democrats don't understand (or, what they simply refuse to acknowledge) is that while the rich folks may hate the poor folks, the catholics may hate the protestants, and the hindus may hate the mohammedans, everybody hates the Jews.

Nixon Disapproves

Land of the Lost

My fellow Americans,

I’d like to take this moment to talk to you about an incident involving president Obama and the Democratic party that you may have missed.

It seems that the Obama administration sent Bill Clinton over to Pennsylvania to bribe Rep. Joe Sestak with an unnamed position in the administration if he would only give up his challenge to Sen. Arlen Specter for the senate nomination.  The reason is clear: the democrats obviously understand that in the general election in November the republican candidate would beat this Sestak guy like an evangelical christian in a mohammedan prison riot.

This isn’t any stupendous feat of political insight.  Arlen Specter is still a fixture in Pennsylvania, and has considerable appeal for the center.  And, in this climate of anti-incumbency and ambivalence toward the spirit of “hope” it’s probably a good idea to have someone who is palatable to the dim-witted Orthogonians.  Besides, Specter is familiar enough in PA so that, if nothing else, the nostalgia vote may be enough to put him over the top.

And top everything off with the fact Obama owes a significant debt to Specter for changing sides in 2009, giving the democrats a super-majority of 60 seats.  So when it became clear that this Sestak guy would be a genuine threat, the administration was faced with an unexpected and very delicate problem: how to ensure their preferred candidate would get the nomination without appearing to meddle in local politics.

That's no small problem, and back in the 1970 mid-term elections I was faced with a similar dilemma.  The junior senator from New York up for re-election was Charles Goodell, a republican, who was appointed by Gov. Nelson Rockefeller to fill Bobby Kennedy’s seat in '68.  However, although Goodell was a member of my party, he was an agitating bleeding-heart who consistently opposed my strategies for Vietnam and the country.  Just like that damned Rockefeller, he was a Franklin and a republican in name only, and needed to be purged.  After meeting with my trusted inner-circle, I decided that James L. Buckley, (brother of noted conservative gasbag William F. Buckley and a very vocal hawk on Vietnam and opponent of the anti-war hippies), would be a trusted ally, and one on whom I could count in my growing battles against complacency, subversion, and appeasement.

Unfortunately, as leader of the party, it would not be seemly for me to actively campaign against one of my own - even if he was soft.  Goodell, while undependable, was a republican after all, so it was a very delicate matter that required finesse and, above all, no evidence of overt tampering by the president. So, rather than my usual course of action (like sending a squad of hired goons to rough him up, or spending good slush-fund cash to bribe him), I opted for a more delicate maneuver: using Spiro Agnew as a foil to erode his support and to turn the people against him. Remember, by that time Agnew had become something of a minor-celebrity among conservative fanboys and hard-hats who wanted nothing more than to believe that their government was out there busting the nuts of liberal peaceniks.  Agnew’s inflammatory rhetoric and bombastic attitude were the perfect way to whip up hysteria, so I sent him to campaign throughout New York urging people to vote for the candidate who would “support the president.”

Agnew never mentioned any names.  He didn't need to.  His heavy implication and pointed remarks made it clear who we preferred.

And as expected, in '70 Goodell lost his election.  But this Sestak fellow won the recent primary.  Why?  Because Obama’s clumsy bribe of offering Sestak some sort of administration position was played far too ham-handedly.  Even worse, the president offered very little incentive and even less threat.  A good political power play always has a tempting carrot so when the rube does sell out he can salve his conscience by telling himself he made the right choice.  But these offers also carry an ominous stick, so that if the candidate stubbornly clings to something as quaint as ethics, there is a clear and real menace as consequence to his intransigence.  And to top it all off, there was no subtlety in this.  Where was the subterfuge or the coverup?  Since when is the assassination of a political career done without deniability?  This would never have flown in my time.  Not only would the operative tasked with getting Sestak out of the race been hidden beneath layers and layers of cover, but we would have given the entire operation a cool name.  All my dirty tricks were fully covert and had codenames.  That sort of minor attention to detail promotes an esprit de corps and sense of gravity.

If this is how the Obama team handles a problem within their own ranks, how on earth are they going to manage the North Koreans?

Nixon is: Amused

Kruschev's Korner: Mars Is Red!


Dobro yutro, Komrades!

Recently, I have been watching typical Americanski "futuristic" televisions program is name "Firefly." Is cautionary tale of dangers of corrupt Capitalist decadance, filled with many gun battles and fantasy.  Very good is character called "Niska."  Niska is typical Capitalist, selfish and cruel and makes for good example of western imperialist for to teach children about evils.  Good also are Reavers -- like Cossacks but without singing and dancing.  Both are trouble for small band of heroic revolutionaries, who fought against fascist oppressors, but must always flee from place to place from being outlaws of greedy system.

Only is one flaw with this program: Is complete fairy tale of deranged propaganda showing German central planets, with USA and China main colonists of Space.  Nyet, nyet, nyet, Mr. Whedon, this is laughable premise:  XA XA XA !!!   Everyone knows is Soviets who will prevail and settle space for better good of all mankind and bringing socialist harmony.  When is time for man to create base on Mars, it will be from socialist glory and work, not decadent capitalist blood money and advertising stickers.

And proof for this is plain as nose on face,  EVEN NOW, NASA SHUTTLE ATLANTIS IS CARRY OUT HER FINAL MISSION for Americanski Space Program!  And is only two more missions planned for ANY Americanski Shuttles:  Discovery to fly in September and Endeavor is last in November.  After November, all western astronauts will be left as beggar in streets of capitalist cities like London, and must seek transport from glorious Russian Space Agency in order to reach International Space Station.

But not to worry!  We will not leave our poor American cousins standing with thumbs out in Baikonur Cosmodrome waiting for lift.  Nyet, we will graciously help poor Americans get to space station -- for now.  Their foolish leaders have willingly lowered United States back to rank of second rate space power like Kazakhs or Italians, just as in day when Soviet Union launched Sputnik and when Yuri Gagarin became first man in space one year after.  Gone is competitions between US and Soviet rockets.  Gone even is cooperative era of Soyuz-Apollo mission. Americans give good effort but is not capable of maintaining technology and will to be in space. So now Russia now stands athwart Space like a colossus - but always with open hands to help others in spirit of sharing.

Americans once were fearless pioneers of space -- fearless in following lead set by Soviet Union in 1960 and '61.  Following even heroic Soviet dog, Laika, who is going in space before Americans. The destruction of Challenger and Columbia are testament to bravery.  Since turn of century, however, NASA has lost nerve.  Attitude today is, "Oh, no!  Third auxiliary backup toaster is broken.  Launch must be postponed."  If Russian spacecraft gets broke, cosmonauts fix with twine and chicken wire, no problem, and go. Is difference between Capitalists and Socialists: Capitalists are lazy and always looking to buy solution to problem.  But Socialists are resourceful and can manage to fix their way out of trouble with ingenuity and common sense. For decades, Americans led own space missions; but now impoverished and cowardly heads at NASA will relegate brave Americanski astronauts to being mechanics and like Uzbeki repairmen: changing batteries in Space Station.  Is sad.

до свидания до следующего времени, капиталистов!

Oh, Henry! Iranian Headache


There has been quite a lot of commotion about the recent agreement by the government of the Republic of Iran to ship 1200 kilograms of low-enriched Uranium to Turkey, bringing it into compliance with the Atomic Energy Agency’s October agreement negotiated by the U.S., Russia, France and Iran.

The delay compliance by the Iranians is not accidental. Waiting these six months has ensured that they can ship the specified amount of uranium and still have enough in stock from which to construct an atomic device.  Further, they are retaining the right to continue to enrich uranium for future use.

This is not surprising at all. Let me tell you, as someone who has experience dealing with the Arabic mind, that they are among the most treacherous maniacs on earth.  Every word they say has at least three meanings, and a few hidden ones. They are filled with malice and will never turn their backs on an opportunity to make a deal to their advantage.

The problem with dealing with Arabs is that they are a race of cheats, con artists, and scoundrels. Fraud and swindling are as much a genetic trait in them as is their oily nature and unsettling smiles. Not only that, they use the fact that they are innately repulsive to everyone to help them gain the upper hand.  So although they are finally acquiescing to the letter of the original agreement, they are doing so in a way they know the west cannot accept, thus allowing them to appear the victimized party – brutally oppressed by the never-satisfied western powers.

In the absence of a military reprisal, the only tool available to the international coalition is economic.  And applied successfully, sanctions could be quite effective against the Iranians. They are people that do not do well with privation. They are spoiled, greedy, materialistic, and addicted to the gaudy trappings of status. Take away their ability to buy Gucci sunglasses or French colognes and suddenly you’ll find them quite conciliatory. But that won’t happen as long as the Russians and Chinese keep the tap open to designer handbags and Italian loafers.

But the real work here will be with the Brazilians and Turks, who actually brokered this deal. These opportunistic lampreys must believe that this is their chance to make their bones on the international scene. The advantages for both are clear: Turkey will improve it’s standing in Europe and help it secure admission into the EU, while Brazil seeks to emerge as the power in South America.

So rather than waste time speaking with the Iranians, what the US, British, and French need to do is have more private negotiations with the Russians, Chinese, Turks and Brazilians. They still have some sway with Iran. For every one contact with Iran there must be five behind the scenes contacts with them. It’s vital to convince them it’s in their interest to not trade with the Iranians. One hand washes the other.

And the time is right.  These people will be completely preoccupied with the World Cup in June and July, and the last thing they'll want to do is sit for hours on end in sweltering rooms with swarthy, cuminy Iranians when they could be enjoying a game of soccer.  Diplomacy is the art of using the weaknesses of others against them. It's time to press our advantage.

Gehen Gazint!

Extreme Justice

My fellow Americans,

Many of you may not be aware of a significant decision by the US Supreme Court today. In United States vs Comstock, the Supreme Court voted 7 -2 (with Justices Thomas and Scalia dissenting) that the federal government has the right to hold a person convicted of a federal sexual offense beyond the completion of their prison term if they are deemed to be a still be "sexually dangerous." According to the Justice Breyer (writing in the majority opinion),
[Congress has the right to enact laws] to punish [sexual criminals'] violation, to imprison violators, to provide appropriately for those imprisoned and to maintain the security of those who are not imprisoned by who may be affected by the federal imprisonment of others.
In other words, the federal government can keep someone in prison for as long as they want. Provided they claim he is still a danger.

Now, much of the legal gibberish in the actual decision involves requiring the federal authorities prove that the individual is still a threat and that releasing him would cause a threat to the community. On the surface, that seems to be in agreement with the spirit of the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th amendments (all of which cover laws and legal rights).  But let's be real.  For all practical purposes what it does is allow the government to accuse, try, and convict a person of a crime they haven't yet done but may commit.  It's pre-emptive justice: you will be sentenced to an indefinite extension of your prison term because it is likely you will commit a crime in the future.

It's beautiful.  A sublime act of Orwellian philosophical gymnastics. The government will proactively convict people on their potential to commit crime in order to protect the innocent rubes out there. Oh sure, some of the liberals may yowl about freedom, due process, and fascism, but nobody will take them seriously.  The Orthogonians will support it because it's about protecting them from sex-crazed perverts looking to repeatedly sodomize their children and use them for other unspeakable pleasures of the flesh.  Oppression is easy if you can sell it as protection.  Remember, the nazis didn't come into power by the muzzle of a gun, they did so by exploiting fear.

The more I think about this ruling the more I like it. And I mean I like it a lot.  It's a good Nixon ruling, and I only wish this would have been decided back in '68.  Think of what I could have done. I could have used the DOJ as my own personal hit-squad ensuring compliance of the press and keeping the radicals on the left in line by tossing them in the hoosgow because of the problems they might cause. My enemies list would have become a court docket for immediate prosecution. It's the exact system the Soviets and the Chinese had at their disposal to keep their people in line.  And it worked.  Hell, all I would have needed is a couple of shrewd Jew lawyers to help out John Dean, and we could have really cleaned house, throwing the radical hippies, treacherous intellectuals, and militant negroes in jail simply by showing they could commit crimes.  There would have been no Watergate hoopla because we wouldn't have been forced to go underground to take care of the problem.  All we'd have needed to do was grab Woodward & Bernstein, a few of those pinkos in congress, and other rabble-rousers and put them away.

Oh, if only I was born 40 years later.

Nixon Approves

Happy Hour: Oil's Well That Ends Well


You can count me as one of New Orleans' biggest fans.  I've long appreciated the sweaty charm of the Big Easy.  Many is the time I've spent lost weekends in it's dusky embrace, bathed in the spicy musk of creole sensuality and alcohol-fueled enthusiasm.

So, naturally, seeing the area once again be threatened with a devastating disaster is very difficult for me to take.  The only time one should smell petroleum in New Orleans is if you pay good money for the privilege.

Make no mistake, the spill need not have been this bad.  While in the Senate, I was one of the most fervent voices for regulating the oil industry  - but a procession of Republican presidents and congresses disagreed,  result in BP getting approval to drill in the Gulf of Mexico without the required Environmental Impact Assessment study, or commitments to safety and redundant back-up systems in case of accident.  You know, the kind of hands-off approach the Republican Party support in their "Drill, Baby, Drill" zeal.

Not surprisingly, conservatives are now stumbling over themselves to try and gain some level of distance between themselves and their greasy monster, while others are spouting the Orwellian claim that somehow this is the fault of the Democrats and President Obama – going so far as to call this “Obama’s Katrina” as if the two events had anything in common aside from geography.  The absurdity is astonishing.  How Hurricane Katrina in 2005 parallels with the current situation is something even a dozen or so belts of whiskey doesn’t explain.  The Hurricane was a disaster that directly impacted the city and it’s residents, demanding swift federal response in terms of emergency, health, evacuation, and housing support.  The oil spill requires none of these, yet even so Obama and the government are monitoring the situation and have offered support as needed.

The Bush administration's inactivity during Hurricane Katrina showed them to be completely over-matched and unprepared.  Although it was known well before landfall that Katrina would be a devastating storm, there were no preliminary efforts made by the federal government to have some sort of support or emergency response contingency in effect.  When the storm hit and the nation watched a city drown before their eyes Bush did his best impression of Nero, picking and strumming a guitar with a total disregard for the people suffering.   It was only a week after the fact that Bush arrived in New Orleans for a few clumsily staged photos trying to make him seem engaged and concerned.

Yet still the republican wags are blaming Obama for not donning his cape and using his super-powers to stop the leak himself.  It’s almost as if they are calling for the federal government to step in, take over for the company, and handle every aspect of the containment and clean-up – from the cost to the manpower.  These are the same people who yowled like stuck pigs at the idea of the government providing healthcare to those unable to get it for themselves.

But even more amazing is how the right are suddenly using Katrina as a pejorative, after claiming (with a straight face) that Bush did nothing wrong.  How can the perfectly acceptable actions of Bush during the hurricane suddenly be held as some sort of low-water mark for Obama?  Can it be that even republican expectations for Bush were so low that his not visibly pissing his pants and drooling on television was considered successful?

In any case, this disaster has had at least one bright side:  it’s caused  Sarah Palin to go into hiding.

Bottums Up!