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Kruschev's Korner: Goal!


Dobro Yutro, Comrades!

Many of my American friends maybe not knowing that is currently playing in South Africa the World Cup of football. World Cup is big international tournament and world celebration more important for all people than Olympics.  All world are stop work and put attention on football pitch to watch people's game. Poor Americans not understand this, and even make mistake and call game soccer instead of football, because American have own game called "football."  But Americanski football is not actual football.  How can be?  Is played with hands and never use feet on ball!  Is should be called handball.

But in FIFA World Cup tournament yesterday was exciting match featuring corporate sponsored Brazil playing stalwart socialist representatives of Democratic People's Republic of Korea.  Many in world are thinking Brazil is the most impressive football team, but really are typical capitalist stooges - mercenaries who play for money and always showing off.  But DPRK is solid and courageous team made from proud socialist men who play for strength and pride.

Game was perfect example of eternal struggle of people against oppression.  Brazilian are make constant attacking but brave DPRK defense is powerful like unpenetrable wall protecting against western decadence.  Eventually, corrupt match referee conspire with degenerate and greedy FIFA officials to give Brazil advantage to win.  But even though final score is 2:1, DPRK are true winners by show socialism is defender of all people in world.

Compare fearless DPRK with pitiful USA attempt.  Americans show how decadent lifestyle of debauchery and hedonism make for soft and weak team.  Americanski players are confused, and only by laughable and cowardly mistake by imperialist British goalkeeper can save USA from crushing embarassment of exposing crumbling capitalist system.

Also typical of capitalisti, Americans know is impossible to win World Cup and so must use puppets like Brazil or Germany.  Brave socialist warriors of DPRK are stand alone and face entire world.

And sad that Americans are not seeing entire world celebration because of narrow mind and arrogance in sport. Maybe if vain Americans try and learn more about international peoples it would help stop militaristic American imperialst war machine, for to make better peace in world. 

до свидания до следующего времени, капиталистов!

The Chosen People

My fellow Americans,

In what can only be labeled a cowardly attempt to kick me when I am unable to defend myself, the Democrats yesterday started squealing like a stuck pig alleging that I am an anti-semite because of a memo written by Fred Malek, a low-level lackey in my administration.

Let me be perfectly clear about this.  The American people deserve to know whether their president was an anti-semite.  Well,  I am not an anti-semite.  If I were, would I have had Henry Kissinger as my second in command - someone in whom I had the ultimate confidence, trust, and respect?  And let's face it, Henry's about as Jew as one could be.  He's what the Hebrews would call a real "Mensch" (which I think means either stand-up fellow or shrewd negotiator).  Heck, Henry is more a Jew than most rabbis out there.  And he's not the only Jew I knew.  Golda Meir was a friend of mine, and I had the distinct pleasure of being embraced by no less a Jew than Sammy Davis Jr.

Are these the pictures of an anti-semite?

The Democrats are basing their preposterous accusations on a few recently released memos attributed to this Malek guy.  Among them are one in which he supplied a list of people who he described as "ethnic" with "Jewish sounding names" for removal from their positions from the Bureau of Labor Statistics.  Malek's role, overseen by Bob Haldeman, was to identify those within the Bureau who were pinko sympathizers, agitators, or otherwise hostile to the efforts of my administration.  Naturally, we wanted these men out.  But not because they were Jewish.  It was because they consistently misrepresented economic statistics with the sole intent of undermining my credibility and authority.  It's simply a matter of coincidence that these people were also Hebrews. Jew or not, I wanted men who were loyal.  And, in my experience, I have found that, overall, Jews can be among the most loyal people around.  I think it's something their mothers instilled in them (you know how big a role mothers play for Jews), and along with an instinctive understanding of calculating interest, this extreme loyalty is something in which those people can take justifiable pride.

Also, consider this: the individuals specified by Malek were accountants, economists, statisticians, and other financially-related professionals.  Do you honestly think that I could have ever replaced them with non-Jews?  So again, tell me, how on earth could I be a anti-semite if I replace a pinko Jew with a true patriotic, loyal Jew?  If anything, those who claim that republican Jews are less Jewish than democratic Jews sound like the true anti-semites here.

But none of this fools me.  Defamation and character assassination is the Nixon way, and I can smell a smear campaign from a mile away.  This whole thing is just a cheap hustle by the Democrats trying to use alleged anti-semitism to slander the republican candidates in the upcoming mid-term election. But once again, the democrats prove that they're pikers when it comes to dirty-campaigning.  Do they really think the Orthogonians would be sympathetic toward a pack of whiney, subversive, pointy-headed, intellectual Jews in the government?  What the democrats don't understand (or, what they simply refuse to acknowledge) is that while the rich folks may hate the poor folks, the catholics may hate the protestants, and the hindus may hate the mohammedans, everybody hates the Jews.

Nixon Disapproves

Land of the Lost

My fellow Americans,

I’d like to take this moment to talk to you about an incident involving president Obama and the Democratic party that you may have missed.

It seems that the Obama administration sent Bill Clinton over to Pennsylvania to bribe Rep. Joe Sestak with an unnamed position in the administration if he would only give up his challenge to Sen. Arlen Specter for the senate nomination.  The reason is clear: the democrats obviously understand that in the general election in November the republican candidate would beat this Sestak guy like an evangelical christian in a mohammedan prison riot.

This isn’t any stupendous feat of political insight.  Arlen Specter is still a fixture in Pennsylvania, and has considerable appeal for the center.  And, in this climate of anti-incumbency and ambivalence toward the spirit of “hope” it’s probably a good idea to have someone who is palatable to the dim-witted Orthogonians.  Besides, Specter is familiar enough in PA so that, if nothing else, the nostalgia vote may be enough to put him over the top.

And top everything off with the fact Obama owes a significant debt to Specter for changing sides in 2009, giving the democrats a super-majority of 60 seats.  So when it became clear that this Sestak guy would be a genuine threat, the administration was faced with an unexpected and very delicate problem: how to ensure their preferred candidate would get the nomination without appearing to meddle in local politics.

That's no small problem, and back in the 1970 mid-term elections I was faced with a similar dilemma.  The junior senator from New York up for re-election was Charles Goodell, a republican, who was appointed by Gov. Nelson Rockefeller to fill Bobby Kennedy’s seat in '68.  However, although Goodell was a member of my party, he was an agitating bleeding-heart who consistently opposed my strategies for Vietnam and the country.  Just like that damned Rockefeller, he was a Franklin and a republican in name only, and needed to be purged.  After meeting with my trusted inner-circle, I decided that James L. Buckley, (brother of noted conservative gasbag William F. Buckley and a very vocal hawk on Vietnam and opponent of the anti-war hippies), would be a trusted ally, and one on whom I could count in my growing battles against complacency, subversion, and appeasement.

Unfortunately, as leader of the party, it would not be seemly for me to actively campaign against one of my own - even if he was soft.  Goodell, while undependable, was a republican after all, so it was a very delicate matter that required finesse and, above all, no evidence of overt tampering by the president. So, rather than my usual course of action (like sending a squad of hired goons to rough him up, or spending good slush-fund cash to bribe him), I opted for a more delicate maneuver: using Spiro Agnew as a foil to erode his support and to turn the people against him. Remember, by that time Agnew had become something of a minor-celebrity among conservative fanboys and hard-hats who wanted nothing more than to believe that their government was out there busting the nuts of liberal peaceniks.  Agnew’s inflammatory rhetoric and bombastic attitude were the perfect way to whip up hysteria, so I sent him to campaign throughout New York urging people to vote for the candidate who would “support the president.”

Agnew never mentioned any names.  He didn't need to.  His heavy implication and pointed remarks made it clear who we preferred.

And as expected, in '70 Goodell lost his election.  But this Sestak fellow won the recent primary.  Why?  Because Obama’s clumsy bribe of offering Sestak some sort of administration position was played far too ham-handedly.  Even worse, the president offered very little incentive and even less threat.  A good political power play always has a tempting carrot so when the rube does sell out he can salve his conscience by telling himself he made the right choice.  But these offers also carry an ominous stick, so that if the candidate stubbornly clings to something as quaint as ethics, there is a clear and real menace as consequence to his intransigence.  And to top it all off, there was no subtlety in this.  Where was the subterfuge or the coverup?  Since when is the assassination of a political career done without deniability?  This would never have flown in my time.  Not only would the operative tasked with getting Sestak out of the race been hidden beneath layers and layers of cover, but we would have given the entire operation a cool name.  All my dirty tricks were fully covert and had codenames.  That sort of minor attention to detail promotes an esprit de corps and sense of gravity.

If this is how the Obama team handles a problem within their own ranks, how on earth are they going to manage the North Koreans?

Nixon is: Amused