Here Comes The Judge

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My fellow Americans,

President Obama has nominated his second Supreme Court Justice today, United States Solicitor General Elena Kagan.

Now, selecting a Supreme Court Justice is almost entirely a political thing - pandering to your supporters and extending influence into the Judicial branch.  But it's also about paying off political loan sharks and balancing the books on unspoken deals made over handshakes and whispered promises. This was particularly true for me during my presidency.

You need to realize that getting nominated for president in 1968 was very different than today. There were only a handful of open primaries and most of the delegates needed in the convention were awarded through seedy deals made in small, dark rooms filled with sweaty men chomping on cigars, knocking back slugs of bourbon, and telling jokes about Jews and Blacks. These repulsive swine were small-minded men with selfish agendas who would deliver the necessary delegates but only if you agreed to repay at an astronomical vig.  I had to supplicate myself in front of these cheap hustlers, hat in hand, and make a lot of promises - particularly to a group of racist old ward-heelers from the south.  And when it came time for me to name my first supreme court justice, these yowling rednecks demanded repayment.

I knew that the sort of person a Klansman like Strom Thurmond wanted as Supreme Court Justice would be anathema to the rest of the country.  So, I would nominate a Bircher, Clement Haynsworth, or a repulsive hack like G. Harold Carswell, knowing full well that they would be rejected by the senate.  But the hayseeds and bumpkins couldn't complain, because I had tried to give them one of their own.  That was the Nixon way.  Game the system by following the letter of the agreement but not the spirit.

It's through that sort of prism we must view President Obama's recent nominee.  While he didn't have to face the degradation of kowtowing to a gang of ruthless thugs, he still had to make a pack of promises. So, which debt does Kagan pay off?

At first glance, Kagan seems to be a very shrewd choice to address the concerns of the Orthogonians in the middle of America.  A dowdy old lawyer with an all-American story of achieving success.  Since she's not a judge she has no track record of decisions that opponents can use against her. About the worst that could be said about her is that she seems very much a Franklin; a pointy-headed Dean of Harvard Law school who sits in an overstuffed leather chair, parsing out the subtleties and nuance of legal philosophy.

There is little doubt that she'll be confirmed.  The Democrats will force a vote before the mid-term elections, guaranteeing that they have the support needed to pass her through.  It's a safe pick with a safe strategy.

The thing is, however, Obama will have at least one more nomination before the 2012 election.  Justice Ginsburg is in ill health, and likely to retire after the next session.  Had I been in Obama's position, I would have made a more bold choice for this nominee, especially knowing I had the votes needed to confirm.  Save the safe pick for next year when you may need it.  Because from here on out, things will only get more contentious.  Particularly when/if he gets to replace one of the Raging Right: Scalia, Alito, Roberts, or Thomas.

That's when the real fun starts

 

Nixon is: Contemplative  

Mexican Standoff

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My fellow Americans,

As the protests and reactions to anti-Illegal Immigrant legislation in Arizona continue to swirl the lawyers are now getting ready to argue whether or not the law is constitutional.  If you stop and think about it, the fact that a law making illegal immigrants illegal may itself be illegal is kind of ironic.

The actual legislation has plenty of problems, and is most likely going to be struck down by the courts. Not only does it appear that it will encourage institutionalized racial profiling, but the provision mandating investigation of immigration status seems to violate the protection against unwarranted search and seizure guaranteed by the 4th amendment, quite probably rendering the law unconstitutional.

But let’s be honest with ourselves.  This law was never really about addressing Illegal Immigration.  There are already more than enough laws about illegal immigration on the books. This law is about whipping the flag-sucking dunderheads into a frenzy by telling them that it’s necessary to protect our sovereignty.  It’s just a shiny piece of foil dangled in front of a group of retards.  It plays on their latent fears and draws their attention while letting them raise a righteous anger and drape themselves in patriotic slogans.  More than that, it assures them that things are not their fault.  It’s because of the other guy.  In other words, it’s another ploy to make the Orthogonians feel like they are being victimized.

And it’s as old as time itself.  The ancient Hittites would constantly complain about those un-cultured Assyrians.  The Romans used the Gauls as their whipping boy.  The Soviets would scapegoat the filthy and lazy Uzbeks.  And back in the 1800's we had the Irish and the Italians.  And now we have the Mexicans.

It’s a subtle political strategy I used throughout my political life. I knew that the boogeyman of communism is fine, but it’s a conceptual threat.  It’s not real. Not tangible.  So, I also used real scapegoats, like hippies and civil rights activists.  Real threats that the Silent Majority can see, hear, and smell.  And just like hippies and civil rights activists, Mexicans are a good release for the inherent Prejudice and Fear of the Orthogonians.  Someone real on whom we can blame all our problems.  The economy stinks?  Well it’s because the Mexicans are taking all the jobs.  Healthcare is broken?  It’s because the Mexicans are flooding the emergency rooms without paying.  Too many drugs?  It’s because the Mexicans are pushing dope.  Teen pregnancy?  Those hot-blooded Mexicans are sexing up our daughters.  Traffic? All the damn Mexicans on the roads.  Global warming?  Well, Mexicans eat a lot of beans, which causes them to fart, which increased greenhouse gasses.

You get the picture.

And it works. We conservatives have always been able to solidify our base by manufacturing a common enemy, then using it as a way to scare the feeble-minded into supporting us. It’s the political analogy of the second law of thermodynamics. In physics kinetic energy increases in proportion to entropy.  In politics, power increases in proportion with fear.

Which brings us back to the Arizona law.  This law was written with the 2010 mid-term elections in mind, and was intentionally designed to fail.  The Orthogonians out there waving their flags and shouting patriotic platitudes are just sheep, bleating along in their willful ignorance as they’re herded by the GOP.  And when this law is overturned the republicans intend to convert the anger of the rubes into votes against the liberals who coddle  immigrants.

Manipulation never goes out of style.  Because there will never be a shortage of nincompoops out there.

Nixon Approves

The Silence of the Dopes

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My fellow Americans,

Today I’d like to take a moment to talk to all of you about silence.

Some say that silence is golden.  Others say it’s a virtue.  While still others claim it’s the best way to avoid confirming one’s idiocy in the mind of others.

It seems that someone on Semi-Governor Palin’s team must truly believe the latter, because our plucky little functionally retarded conservative crusader has been conspicuously absent from the news for the last week or so.

Which is strange, because this last week has seen a growing environmental disaster from the oil spill in the gulf of Mexico, increasing agitation over Arizona’s illegal immigrant law, and an attempted terrorist car-bombing in New York’s Times Square.  And someone who wants to be taken seriously as a potential candidate for president dreams of exactly these sorts of situations, so they can capitalize on the opportunity to make the people see them as a strong, calm, and dependable leader.

Back in the mid 60’s, when I was carefully preparing my candidacy for the 1968 presidential election, there was no end to these opportunities.  Race riots were flaring up seemingly every weekend.  The war in Vietnam was beginning to become more and more a disaster.  The college kids were spreading subversion in the form of free love and drugs.  And whenever anything boiled over Nixon was there.  You didn’t see me running for cover like a frightened schoolgirl.  I was always ready to offer a word or advice or analysis, and this added a veneer of leadership to my persona that helped make the Orthogonians see me as slightly less unlikeable.

Unfortunately, these are also situations in which the less capable can destroy any aspirations they have, the way George Romney's presidential bid was ended after he muffed questions about Vietnam in '67.  And as we all saw from her unscripted interviews with Katie Couric, little Sarah-Plain-and-Small is perhaps the least capable public figure around.  In fact, having her speak would be inviting disaster.  I think, perhaps, that Sarah’s handlers realize that the best strategy is to keep her hidden. Her strength is name-calling and fear-mongering, not calm, measured reassurance.  Besides, what could she say?  That even though the Bush administration deregulation of oil companies she preaches in her "Drill, Baby, Drill!" sermons helped make the disaster in the gulf worse, opening the coasts for an orgy of speculation is still a good thing? Even worse, she would very likely burble something almost completely incoherent while winking at the camera like a boozed up skank at last call, desperate for a one-night stand.

So, perhaps in this case Sarah’s silence is a good idea.  Not only does it prevent us further confirming our suspicions about her idiocy, it also gives us all a good break from the Wasilla Half-Wit.

Nixon is: Ambivalent

Kruschev's Korner: Is All Greek To Me

 Gree.

Good morning, Comrades and also Imperialists,

Today I am very sad about situation in Greece.  Greece is, as you know, second cradle of civilization after Kiev.  Many good ideas come from Greece, and is also source of raw material for Great Soviet Cyrillic Alphabet, as well as source of word "alphabet."

Now Greeks are in bolshoi mess because of borrow money from decadent Capitalists and cannot pay back. Why to pay back?  Only to borrow more from same Capitalists and buy and sell with them.  West makes lending only for profit.  Is never to help Greeks! We offer better alternative: scientifically proven superior model of production called Marxism

Treacherous Germans are saying Greeks are being lazy bums who know not how to save money. We Russians can better teach them how is save money.  When Krushchev was poor metal worker in Eastern Ukraine city of Yuzovka I had not two kopeks to rub together for warmth in winter.  Then Comrade Stalin encourage everyone to save and scrimp in order to  build glorious Soviet Industrial base.  He encourage with bayonets and KGB.  When I became Premier, budget was tight an American Military Complex was making for Soviet Union to spend more every year to protect of our sovereign nation from American aggression.  I used clever Ukrainian common sense and saved money by to rely on missiles for Soviet defense instead of tanks and planes.  Missiles more efficient than build many tanks and aircrafts.  Maybe not every missile worked, but was always great deterrent.  Imperialist Americans could not bear thought that even one of mighty Soviet missiles might actually find target and blow up.  Even better, my strategy worked like brilliant and forced Kennedy to remove Americanski missiles from Turkey and so eliminated threat to Soviet Union.

Da, we can teach our brothers the Greeks great lesson that is very bad idea to just borrow borrow borrow always from Western Capitalists. But will be hard road for us in teaching Greeks.  Today, Greeks are lazy like good-for-nothing Uzbeks, and must learn importance of work!  Is no good all day to drinking ouzo and play briscola.  In Soviet Union everyone must contribute!  Even stari babushki did work - if only to sweep sidewalks in Red Square - everyone always has duty to contribute to Soviet glory.  We teach this important lesson to Albania, and if Albanian can learn then so can Greek.  After all, who can think Albanians are better or smarter than Greeks?

So you see, question is not "Shall Greeks Tighten Belts?"  but  "For Why Shall Greeks Tighten?"  For self-righteous Germans?  For self-serving Dutch? For double-dealing English and unreliable French?  For organs of Capitalist Imperialism such as IMF that is only love money?  Are Greeks supposed to be mules and do their bidding?

My friends, the answer is "Nyet!"  Greek is not even allow himself to be ruled by another Greek.  How then could they submit to whip of Western running dogs?  Even now, Greeks show anger and are protesting in the streets.  Soon they will remove current Greek puppet government of Capitalist stooges and join glorious Eastern bloc family.  We shall show them how to sacrifice for benefit only of Greece!

Also, Greece have many good ports large enough for mighty Soviet Navy.

до свидания до следующего времени, капиталистов!

Tin Soldiers and Nixon Coming

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My fellow Americans,

I wanted to speak to you today, on the 40th anniversary of the unfortunate incidents that occurred on Kent State University.

Now, some have asked whether I feel any personal responsibility for what happened 40 years ago. To them I say that I wasn't the one who called in the agitators and militant demonstrators.  I wasn't the one who chose to violate the law by assembling in an illegal manner.  And I wasn't the one who provoked the National Guard.  The words I said then still apply today: when dissent turns to violence, it invites tragedy.

Still there are some who continue to think that the actual cause of that event was the negative rhetoric I and other republicans used from the mid-60's through my election in 1968.  Well, if that’s true, then the entire political process should be held to scrutiny, because the very DNA of political campaigns is a tightly wound double helix of demonizing your opponent and exploiting the Terror and Outrage within the populace.

We republicans understand the power of Fear at a cellular level, which is why you’ll continue to hear our candidates portray the other guys as un-American monsters, who have nothing less in their hearts than the ultimate destruction of our Pure lifestyle.  It doesn’t matter if it was me in the late ‘60’s painting the intellectuals, civil rights activists and the anti-war faction as being a real and imminent threat to society, or today’s candidates snidely questioning Obama’s citizenship, or insinuating that Democrats will allow unwashed packs of wild-eyed muslim fanatics to rape our young boys then sell their spent carcasses for opium.  The game hasn’t changed.

But, as Kent State showed, it takes more than exploiting Fear.  Not only do you have to demonize the other side, you have to make sure that the Orthogonians are complicit in any actions taken to act on that Fear. Distort and lie. Create a fictive boogeyman to menace the security of the rubes, and portray yourself as the only one with either the ability or balls to stand up to it. Fear drives power much better than hope, and people will gratefully accept the most unthinkable atrocities if you scare them enough. After all, a few napalmed children or massacred students is a pretty cheap price to pay to protect a freezer full of TV dinners and a new patio set.  And just like an abusive alcoholic who beats his wife because she "made him do it," one must never forget to blame the victims.  Because, once the dust settles and the bodies are exposed, it’s critical that you assure the straights that those now suffering deserve their fate.  The National Guard would never have fired if those long-haired pinkos had just stayed home and relaxed in their barca loungers.

So, the next time you see one of those massive teabag rallies just remember that the politicians whipping up the Hysteria and Fear with their inflammatory speeches aren’t to blame. They’re just doing what politicians have done since the very beginning. No, the fault lies with the dimwits and cretins who believe all the paranoid gobbledygook about a secret socialist cabal within the government with plans to round up the white Christian men for service in salt mines, while the women are carted off to be pleasure toys for hyper-libidinous Arabs. After all, propaganda only works if the simpletons believe it. 

Nixon is: Sanctimonious