Tradition

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My fellow Americans,

The dog days of the 2010 mid-term election are starting to really heat up.  The normal sniping and random shots across the DMZ have started to become coordinated and targeted.  Individuals are being pointed out, names are being called, accusations raised, and challenges leveled.

I love the smell of politics in the morning.

Yesterday, the NRCC (National Republican Campaign Committee) fired a shot across the DNC’s bow by claiming that they were “playing the race card from the bottom of the deck” because they (the Democrats) are working to bring out the minorities to vote in November.   The sheer balls of that statement is bewildering!  And, very gratifying to this old race-baiter.

Now, you have to understand that using race as a campaign strategy is an exceedingly delicate proposition. Back in 1966 when I was laying the foundation for my presidential run in ’68, I saw that the nation was ripe for using race as a tool to stoke the fires of Dread and Revulsion burning in the hearts of white people. Had I tried this in either ’64 or ’65 I would have been flogged like a heretic in the Inquisition. Just look at what happened to Goldwater and his cadre of Birchers and segregationists. But by 1966 race riots had been popping up in cities all over, and the radicals like Stokeley Carmichael had begun to give the equal rights movement a bad name.  The glow of the Great Society and the Civil Rights Act had vanished as white people started to feel as if the minorities were ungrateful for all that was done for them. The tide was turning and the Orthogonians just needed a spark to come alive.

 

And I was there, manipulating the deepest and most vile nightmares of Joe Sixpack and Sally Lunchpail.  The Franklins snickered at me, saying that people were sophisticated enough to realize that the unrest within the minority population was due to economic inequalities and entrenched social injustice.  They scoffed at the notion that white people would quiver in terror over the idea of integrating schools.  They mocked the idea that folks would be so gullible as to fall for such obvious and depraved tactics as preying on the myth of hulking Negro men defiling the flower of pure white innocence.

I love it when Franklins underestimate me.  My instincts were true.  The Orthogonians are sheep, easily led by exploiting their most primitive fears, and before you knew it the feeding frenzy was on.  The result was that Republicans had won the day in the ‘66 elections on the back of pure and unsoiled racial fear.

Now, as then, my fellow Republicans are turning to race, just as they have whenever things looked bleak over the past 40 years.  And once again the time is right.  Just look around: the bigotry, hatred, and prejudice among the right is close to boiling over.  Teabaggers are flaunting the same segregationist KKK slogans we used so skillfully in the 60’s – only more artfully disguised.  Propagandists are working overtime to insinuate ethnic causes for problems around the country.  And the disgust among conservatives regarding a non-white president is mouthwatering to someone clever enough to channel that Anger and Loathing for their own use.

So, the strategy of the NRCC attempting to whip up some reaction among white people by painting the Democrats as racist for working to get out the minority vote is the sign of returning to the tried and true – much the way a dog returns to his vomit.  And of course it doesn’t matter that it’s absolutely prima facie absurd.  In politics (like advertising) perception is reality.  It helps that the Orthogonians already believe these things. They just need someone to verbalize the lie to justify their hate and soothe their nascent consciences, so they can go out and act on their instinctive racism.  And trust me when I tell you that there are more of them than there are of you.

It’s nice to see that the Hebrews aren't the only ones with a sense of tradition.

Nixon is: Energized

Kruschev's Korner: Zdravo!

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Good morning, Comrades!

And it is a good morning for Mother Russia and Ukraine, now that we have signed new lease to keep strong and patriotic Black Sea Fleet based in Crimea.  In return, Ukraine will have large quantity of superior Russian natural gas.  We help our friends, unlike some imperialist powers.

I would like to extend congratulations also to Comrade Medvedev and Comrade Putin on splendid diplomacy with our neighbor Ukraine. I was born and raised in Ukraine and I know our roots go deeply together.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking:  Russia's current leaders are not Socialists unlike American leader great Comrade Obama.  Are you sure?  In politics, one must not be obvious.  If you are not leaf on wind, you will be purged.  Most important qualities are to be strong leader and to be unpredictable to your many adversaries, as Comrade Putin did so brilliantly in keeping Abkhazia and South Ossetia from being dominated and oppressed by the puppet of Western decadence, Georgia.  As my friend Deng used to say, "What is difference if cat is black or white, as long as catches mouse."

In order to advance the People's interests, a leader must be willing to try new things.  Like my friend Comrade Trofim Lysenko.  He thought of way to boost crop yields for wheat.  Everything in life is wheat!  We tried and it didn't work!  So then we tried something else.

In same way, Ukraine tried to turn away from Mother Russia and make friends with counterrevolutionary Western imperialist powers.  That did not work; so she came home.

до свидания до следующего времени, капиталистов!

Spying for/on Dummies

Spying .
My fellow Americans,

It seems our intrepid semi-Governor Sarah Palin has completed her testimony in the case of the miserable little liberal punk who hacked into her unsecure Yahoo email account. 

The question isn't whether this pinko is guilty, but rather of the manner and extent of punishment this twerp deserves.

As someone who knows a thing or two about undercover surveillance, allow me to offer my perspective: This brat should be punished fully and completely. Oh, not because he hacked Palin's email. After all, part of the political game is intelligence and operating on the edge of ethics and law.  In order to have the advantage over any adversary one needs as much information on them as possible. And if you need to creep into an office under the cover of night and bug the campaign headquarters of a rival in order to learn more about them, well, that's just the price of doing business.

No.  The reason this irritating bastard should be shown no mercy is because of the clumsy manner in which he gained access to Palin's email.  Even more, because he did so and didn't even make the slightest attempt to cover his tracks.

Before embarking on any sort of operation of this nature one needs to take the time to properly lay the groundwork.  Among the things that must be considered are whether you have the proper personnel in place to conduct the mission with competence.  Even more important is to ensure that you cover every possible contingency in case of error or discovery.  Did this kid have any sort of alibi ready, or even some cover story to provide credible deniability?  What about something - carrot (in the form of hush money) or stick (in the form of assassins) - to make sure that all persons involved remain loyal? Or, at the very least, a plausible scapegoat or willing fall-guy who could take the heat so the Boss doesn't get tossed into the slammer. I was meticulous in my pre-game preparation.  I made sure I had the right pieces on the board before I launched the mission, and even gave them a cool name: The Plumbers.  Liddy provided the stern hand and blind brutality required to make sure the others stayed in line.  Bebe Rebozo secured a very deep slush fund in case we had to grease any palms or buy any cooperation.  And my Bobs were there, ready to not only swear to my innocence, but also willing to take a bullet if it came to that.

And even with all my careful strategy things went wrong.  So the level of audacity and hubris in this kid is simply stunning.  It's as if he didn't even think this through.  A lethal error on his part, and one that needs to be met with a dear enough cost so that he won't make the same mistake in planning the next time he tries something like this.

Of course, Palin is not without some level of blame in this mess.  After all, anyone involved in even the lowest rung of political battle should be savvy enough to realize you simply do not use an open line for communication.  The fact that she was so mind-bogglingly stupid is reason enough to consider her ill-equipped for the office of the President.

Nixon Disapproves

Behind the Veil

Behind .

My fellow Americans, there has been a drawn-out brouhaha over in France regarding the whole question of mohammedan women wearing their face-scarves, and whether this somehow steps all over their rights.

There is a definite parallel between the upheaval in France today and the Negro uprisings we had in the late 60’s.  Both are instances of minorities not appreciating the society in which they live, nor comprehending or showing sufficient gratitude toward the inherent compassion and tolerance of the European mind.  It seems as if the more a government does for these people, the more they want, and the more violently they demand it.

The bleeding hearts, hippies, and liberals will certainly cry about all this and twist it into something to do with race.  They’ll wail that the face covering is a part of the mohammedan religion, and that forcing these people to discard it somehow treats them as not equal since it is okay for Hebrews to wear their beanies, or Christians to wear a cross.  This is, of course, nonsense and the sort of gobbledygook typically spouted by privileged left-wing Franklins. Neither beanies nor crosses hide one’s face (though those wild beards some orthodox Jews have come close). The left always seems so concerned about the rights of some minority group or other that they neglect the rights of the rest of us.  And unlike others, I stand with the good, honest, law-abiding citizens of both the United States and France.

Now, before you paint me as some sort of Bircher, let me just be perfectly clear: I supported the Civil Rights bill of 1964. And I supported the Voting Rights Act of 1965. Nixon was always a friend to the Negro, and in fact, some of my acquaintances were Negroes. But at some point enough has to be enough. When the Negroes in the 60’s began to riot that line was crossed.  And now, like then, the mohammedans in France have to realize that their demands can not infringe on the rights of Frenchmen, and that actions carry consequence.

Living in a civilization based on law and order requires compromise and tolerance.  And the French mohammedans, like the American Negro, have to realize that they must compromise by giving up on their outrageous demands in order for the rest of the Americans and Frenchmen to be able to tolerate them.

Nixon is: Frustrated

All the Tea in China

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My fellow Americans,

I'm not unfamiliar with protest movements.  I've had to endure groups of smelly, unwashed, communist-influenced, sign-waving malcontents for almost my entire political life. So naturally I am pleased as punch to see the right muster a similar movement, complete with frothing-at-the-mouth hysterics and semi-literate troglodytes whipped into blind rage at a liberal President.

I love the fact that these inbred nincompoops are out there holding racist, hate-filled signs, threatening violence and irritating the liberals.  But most of all I love how they've adopted the Nixon way of creating and spreading the biggest and most outrageous lies possible. I built my political life on telling ghost stories about communists lurking in corners, so it warms my heart that these savage dimwits have chosen to resurrect socialism as their monster, and I admit to an admiration of the sheer audacity of this strategy.

Now, of course the whole complaint of these Tea people is completely baseless.  President Obama is no more a socialist than Eisenhower or I were.  The yelping and gnashing of teeth at this health care reform is a clever ruse to hide the real cause of anger, because even these Tea Bag nitwits understand that the health care reform is really no more socialist than Medicare, Social Security, the National Parks system, the CDC, or the money the federal government spends on schools, roads, and protection.  No, the real burr in the saddle of these Tea people is the fact that Obama is a mulatto.  After all, it's not a coincidence that the whole Tea Bag movement is filled with conservative, middle-aged, viagra-popping, xenophobic white men.

The danger, however, is to the Republican Party as a whole.  This Tea Bag thing is a tricky issue.  The GOP needs to keep the extreme reactionary lunatics happy, but can't risk alienating the vast, moderate Orthogonians out there.  Embracing the Tea people, with their racist anger and violent tendencies, could turn off the rational center of the country.  On the other hand, denouncing them as fanatical bigots could trigger a George Wallace type of candidate in 2012.

It's a tightrope for the GOP.  But before the hammer falls the sight of this group of wild-eyed waterheads shouting about socialism brings a nostalgic warmth..

Nixon is: Amused

Send In the Clowns

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My fellow Americans,

I don’t need to tell you that political campaigns are built on equal parts mendacity, pandering, and charisma.  But for some reason I’ve always had difficulty with that last bit.  Inexplicably, people just weren’t attracted to the Nixon charm. Children would cry whenever they saw me and my campaign managers would constantly remind me to never smile because of the intense feeling of distaste it caused.  Even Pat said that while she loved me, she really didn’t like me at all. 

This wasn’t a problem at first, because I was able to insinuate myself with the rest of the Orthogonians out there and deflect attention from myself through the use of communist boogeymen.  However, in 1960 it became an issue, and by 1966 it was a crisis.  So I did what so many successful politicians did: I hired a joke-writer. Two years later, I was elected the 37th president of the United States.

 
Since then, the charisma thing has elected five of the last six presidents: Carter was the naïve aw-shucks innocent, Reagan played the wisecracking game-show host, Clinton was the suave party-guy, W was the folksy dullard, and Obama is the earnest visionary.  So, it’s not really any surprise that potential candidates for 2012 are already honing their acts.  The one who has the biggest head-start has to be Sarah Palin, trying a Reagan-Bush hybrid of mean-spirited folksiness and one-liners. 

Her speeches are nothing more than a collection of sardonic insults and precisely calculated “zingers” designed to create a persona and give the fawning crowds something to wildly applaud.  Oh, there’s no doubting it’s effective, but it’s also very hollow and at the end of the day, unsatisfactory.  One gets the feeling that Sarah Palin will wear out her welcome very quickly  – sort of like that “Wild and Crazy Guys” thing SNL used to do.  Because gags and insults will only get you so far.  At some point you have to serve some meat to go with all the appetizers.  And the danger for her is that Sarah Palin is quickly becoming nothing more than a warm-up act.  A one-dimensional, insult-spouting MC that whips the faithful into a frenzy, but who then cedes the stage for the main attraction.

Look, when I was unveiling the new, likable Nixon I did the whole Bob Hope thing too, shooting one-liners at people like LBJ.  But I also included a lot of self-mocking gags, and in the end I had the gravitas that comes with experience and knowledge behind me.  Sure, people enjoyed my jokes, but they also knew that with Nixon it was all-business.  Palin gives the opposite feeling.  People look at her and just know that there is absolutely nothing behind her makeup.  Take away her joke-writers and all you have is a nasal-voiced, intolerant nincompoop.

That seemed to work okay for Reagan and W, but at least with me you knew there was more than just a friendly face.

Nixon is: Smug

God Hates You (and Jesus thinks you're ugly)

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My fellow Americans,

I’ve never been a fan of prostituting my religion for political gain.  It’s always seemed to me to be the most base, vile, and repulsive way to pander to the rubes.  I always preferred aligning myself with the Orthogonians; exploiting the latent racist and xenophobic fear of the people through insinuations and implied threats.  My bread-and butter was always to side with the average stupid and lazy American by claiming that the other guy doesn't understand them, and is actively threatening the safe, soft, middle-class lifestyle of the people.  It worked because Joe Six-Pack and Sally Lunchpail will always be terrified at the thought of communist takeover, or by the horror of filthy, dope addicted hippies overthrowing the nation and raping the women.

So, whenever I see current politicians try to bring God into things, I naturally shudder.  But it’s become the trendy choice for politicians today.  Oh, they don’t come right out and say they are chosen by God – that would be not only too much an ostentatious display of arrogance (on par with the patronizing air of the East Coast elite Franklins), but also just feel too Jewish.  No, the politicians have come up with a much more sinister way of linking themselves with God’s favor.

Whenever asked about a possible candidacy, or about strategy, policy, or position on the issues, the politician will now answer that they have prayed on it, or are waiting for God to provide guidance.  The logical conclusion being that whatever the candidate then does is not only sanctioned, but ordained by the Big Cheese, and thus beyond question or criticism.

I admit, I admire the subtlety of this strategy.  Not only does it convey divine blessing, but has the added bonus of hinting that The Supreme Being isn’t a fan of the other guy.  Yet despite it's advantages, it still isn’t right for me.  I much prefer rolling up my sleeves and diving into the cesspool of slander and calling someone's personal integrity into question.  It would have been easy for me to prey on the fear of subservience to the Vatican by hinting at a Roman Catholic president kissing the Pope’s ring.  But seeing as how it depends too much on the voters being very stupid, easily manipulated, and prone to outbursts of righteous violence, religious exploitation will never be as effective as us-vs.-them tactics. 

Except in the South, that is.

Nixon is: Not Impressed